Heartslinked

January 16, 2013

Sunday

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 7:31 pm

Saturday evening after leaving K and heading home I decided to run to Macy’s to get a few more things for this new baby.  This was Saturday evening(3 days before Christmas).  My husband had made a run earlier to a friends house and had picked up some formula she purchased from Costco for K.  My husband decided to be crazy and go to the mall.  We spent about an hour at Macy’s around 8pm.  It was a mad house to say the least but I found 5 outfits, one of them a christmas outfit, and a little bib.  I found all of that for $60, my hobby is finding good deals.  Well as we were about to check out I realized that if we came back between midnight and 6am we would get 15% off everything.  I figured a little lost sleep would be worth it to save $9. We put the items on hold.

At midnight we headed back to Macy’s. I got what we needed and we were back home about 1am.  I was going to stop by and see K in the morning before they drove the 800 miles back home with a 2 week old baby. 

I saw Kristina, her mom, and her son about 8:30 in the morning.  We sat and talked and talked and talked.  I didn’t want to say good-bye.  I was worried about K, not that I thought she wouldn’t be an amazing mom. But I knew the pressures she would continue to get from the agency,  her family, and friends.  We departed after about an hour (not long enough time to talk).

I hurried over to my nieces because I had to drop something off to them.  After this I quickly went home and got ready.   about noon we went to my husband’s dad’s side Christmas party.  We celebrate Christmas with my father-in-law’s siblings and their kids the weekend before Christmas every year.

This year was bitter sweet.  I love his family but last year everyone met Allysa for the first time.  I was worried about the questions they would ask me.  I did not want to explain, partly because I do not have answers, I do not understand.  Another part is that it brings up too many emotions, too much baggage.  My other children do not need to see the pain it causes me, they have to live it too.  We can both interpret our own pain individually. 

January 14, 2013

Saturday Meeting

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:35 pm

I woke up early again because I couldn’t sleep. K was on her way to Northern California.  I had to travel about an hour North to pick up more items for K and baby.  One of my sisters dropped many new items off at my house for K early that morning.  About 9am my husband and I went to get the many items from his cousin.  She had a one year old boy and had a lot of things she no longer used.  We picked up 3 or 4 trash bags full of things. 

I had some time to kill and we had not finished Christmas shopping so my husband and I went to a close mall and did some Christmas shopping.  we also had lunch together just the two of us at a little burger joint.  We got back home about 1:30 and I put all of the items in my car.  I had my little car full of items.  I had the trunk full and the back seat piled high with items.  I was sure I looked like a hoarder with so many items stuffed in my car.  About 2:30 I decided to head down to our meeting place.  I was nervous, scared, excited.  I was doing something that I could not do for myself 20 years ago.  I wanted to make sure I arrived before K, I did not want her waiting on me, I did not want her to go through this alone, I did not want her to think that no one cared. 

I ended up waiting for about an hour of Mountain Mikes Pizza.  My emotions were out of control, literally.  I was crying, excited, sad.  K and I were texting back and forth.  She was feeling a bit guilty of the pain that she was going to cause.  I texted her something to the affect of “Do PAP’s feel guilty for walking out of a hospital with your child? Do they feel guilty that you go home empty handed?”  Yes I have empathy for PAPs but even if they have a “failed” adoption it is not the same as losing all rights to your own child.  It is not the same as being lied to by an agency.  It is not the same as feeling used for your fertility.  It is not the same as the life time of grief for your own flesh and blood.

As I sat and waited I remembered back to when I signed TPR and had 72 hours to change my mind.  I was about 48 hours into it and I broke down.  I was able to see my baby and I had just got pictures developed at Longs one hour photo.   I was looking at the pictures in the mini van with my mom and her best friend about 8pm at night.  It was cold and dark outside at the beginning of March 1992.  I broke down and cried in a way I never had cried before.  I felt like I was being ripped apart, like my soul was dying.  I knew I couldn’t live another moment without her and all I had to do was ask my mom to drive me back.  My moms best friend said Jeannette let’s go get her.  I was ready but I got this look from my mom that said “no, you did what was best”.  I knew I was alone and I might as well have had no waiting period to change my mind.  This is why I am helping mothers now.

As I waited I knew I was doing this for myself, my children, and my grandson.  I might not be able to change the past but I can help this mom, baby, and the older sister to stay a family.  I can make it so they will never know the loss that I know.  Yes, I’m doing this for selfish reasons.  I’m doing to help heal these old wounds, to try to form new thicker scabs.

After a while I saw K and her mom pull up.  K wanted to change her clothes into something nicer after traveling for about 800 miles.  She changed and I got into her car to get her son with her.  We were less than a mile away from the PAP.  I had never done anything like this and my heart was beating out of control.  As we pulled up K and I got out of the car and her mom stayed in.  As we went up to the door and were about to knock the door opened.  Inside was about 5 people, 4 women and 1 man.  I did not know who was who but we quickly introduced ourselves.  Everyone was dressed in black, red, and jeans.  The women who had jeans on wore a red shirt, had matching shoes, belts, make-up done.  It was a little weird.  It looked like they were having some sort of Christmas party.  The PAP (single woman) explained to K everything the pediatrician had said.  We took the baby and proceeded to leave.  As we left no one shed a tear but one of the friends by the front door asked “Do you know what you are giving up?”  We said nothing and continued to walk to the car.

Now the car seat was in but not adjusted to the baby’s side so K adjusted it while I sat in the front seat, she wanted to be by her baby (understandably).  As K tried to get the baby in safely everyone came outside and stood on the porch to watch us.  It was very strange. 

We drove back to our meeting place, got everything transferred to her car, hugged goodbye, and we drove separately.  I went home and they went to find a hotel.  I was so happy and honored to be part of this.  I called up a friend who was also involved with this and we talked on my way home.  I was at peace, I knew K was going to make it.  I knew she would be OK.  I also got a text from my youngest daughter.  She said “Mommy, you are like  real life hero”  Wow I was most shocked by that.  Here is a young woman, my baby,  who is a freshmen in high school and she looks up to me as a hero.  How many teenagers really ever say that to one of their parents?

I had agreed to meet K the next day after she found a hotel and got some sleep.  I was still getting text from people who wanted to donate.

January 9, 2013

Friday – getting help

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 9:20 pm

I am very slow at writing on my blog. If anyone is still reading I will continue my story. If no one reads then that is okay too. I want this documented.

Friday the 21st was crazy busy. My Facebook was blowing up with help. I got so many private messages. I was arranging pick ups of a lot of baby items. After I got off of work and picked up my kids from school I went to as friends house. She has an eleven month old baby boy. She gave me about 4 paper bag of baby items. Some were new that she just bought because she realized there as a mom in need. Some items her son no longer used so she was giving those to me. After getting the items I went to my sister in-laws and we went on a baby item shopping spree at target. I had money donated through both paypal and friends so I wanted to get K some extra items. We bought everything from clothes, diapers, to a stroller.

I finally got home close to 8pm that night. I didn’t sleep well even though I was exhausted. I was too excited by what was going on. I still had to go the next day and get more items from friends before meeting up with K the next day. I could not believe the number of people willing to help out a mother, someone they had not met. It was crazy to think that me, little old me was involved with this. I was helping a mom to keep her son. I was helping a mom to keep her children together. I am really involved with a group of people who do more than talk. I am involved with women that will help others. We are from different faiths, some believe in God, some are atheist, some conservative, some liberal. None of those thing matters. Adoption has affected all of us and we are coming together to help the next generation. We are preserving families. We are an army of love.

December 31, 2012

December 21 2012 – hope

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 12:56 am

Last Thursday I worked all day and then came home to make dinner.  It was just a normal day.  Kids were studying for their last final.  I had about 8 baskets of cookies and baked goods to make for clients.  It was a normal day at my house.  I was checking Facebook as I made dinner and I saw a friend asking if anyone lived in a little city about 20 miles from my home.  I responded back that I live close by and what did she need help with.  I knew this friend through our adoption community, so I know the request had something to do with adoption.  I had no idea what I was getting into though.  My friend L sent me a private message.  There was a new mother with a 12 day old baby that placed but decided to revoke consent.  The baby was in my area but the mom lived in a different state about 600 miles away.

The mom and grandma were driving in on Saturday to get the son.  I was asked if I could reach out and get a few things together for this family.  Honestly this Christmas season has been very hard emotionally.  It not only is the first Christmas without my nieces fiance (I considered him my nephew) but I didn’t have my kids together this Christmas.  My oldest daughter wants space from me.  She has made that very clear.  So I give her space an don’t contact her but I do miss her.  Neither of us deserve the loss of adoption that was brought into our lives.  This was the second hardest Christmas season of my life.

After finding out what was needed I put up a status on facebook asking for newborn boy items.  Little did I know the response I would receive from my amazing family and friends.  Within an hour I had responses and I realized what amazing people I had in my life.  I had my whole mind-set change in a few minutes.  I could finally do something.  I might be having a hard time but I could make a huge difference with someone else.  I could help a mom never have to endure the agony that is adoption.  I might not be able to change my 3 generations that are affected by adoption but I could keep one family from this.  I could help to keep siblings together.

December 29, 2012

Dreams and nightmares

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 1:57 am

Last night in the middle of the night I woke up silently crying.  After almost 21 years you would think the dreams would be easier.  You would hope the tears would stop.  I don’t remember the whole dream but I do remember I had just given birth at home (never would have happened in real life).  I remember my baby was very sick but I couldn’t bring her to the hospital because the doctors would take her from me.  The doctors and agency wanted my baby for adoption.  I remember the feeling in my dream knowing I wasn’t good enough to be a mother to any of my children.  I do not know why going to a hospital for my sick baby would mean adoption but for some reason in my dream the hospital equaled loss of my child.  I remember overhearing a someone in my dream saying they were going to sell my baby but they couldn’t get a lot for her because I wasn’t good.

Now being awake for 12 hours and having the day to analyze my dream I do realize it id just a dream.  It is my subconsciousness reacting to my loss.  Maybe I do relate the hospital to losing my daughter.  The hospital was where I walked away from my first born.  It is where I left empty handed.  It seems like I have a lot of emotions still to work out.

November 29, 2012

Different Paths

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 4:44 pm
Different Paths
Content
On my last post I was writing about where I was in 1991, who my closest friend was, who I was dating.  Recently my friend K found me on Facebook.  A few weeks ago we decided to meet at Starbucks to catch up on the past 20 years.  We talked for several hours and caught up on where our lives have headed.
My friend K married the father of her son and after 3 years they divorced. Her son’s father has not really been in his life since the divorce.  My friend and her parents raised the son together.  K never remarried or had anymore children.  I honestly felt jealous.  I was jealous of my friend for me and jealous of her son that he never lost his family.  I know I should not be jealous, but those emotions went threw me as we talked.  Adoption was never put on the table foe her as an option.
We had walked completely different paths but we started on the same path.  We were the same age , we were best friends, we were dating best friends, and we got pregnant with in 2 months of each other.  I lost my first child to adoption.  My children grew up apart.  My nieces and nephews grew up without one of their cousins.  I did not know my daughter’s name, where she lived, or her adoptive parents names.  My friend got to be the mother she was meant to be.  Her son was not ripped away from his mom.  He was raised in his family, his blood, his tribe.  Of these two scenarios which one is the loving choice?  It does not feel like adoption is the loving choice.  A child staying with his mother, not being ripped from her, a mother getting the love and support she needs to raise her son.  A loving choice is supporting mothers to raise their children

November 15, 2012

1991 reliving my past

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:44 pm

When I was 15 I met this girl in my sophomore year of high school, I’m going to call her K.  We quickly became great friends.  I thought she was so cool.  She was dating a guy that was 20 and had his own place, he had a car and everything.  She was sweet honestly.  We both had dreams and goals beyond high school.  She grew up in a 2 parent household like me but we both had a few bumps in our lives.  We met at our continuation high school.  I was there for skipping classes my freshmen year.  I was back on track for school though.  Even though I did not have enough credits to be a freshmen at the beginning of my sophomore year by the end of my sophomore I was on track to graduate a year early.  I had put in the work that I needed.  I found teachers that truly cared about us students.  They cared not just about how we did in school but how we did in life.  I needed that at the time.  My friend K introduced me to her boyfriend’s best friend in February 1991.  That was Allysa’s dad.  Rob was 20 at the time, he lived with his parents, didn’t graduate high school, and didn’t work.  None of that bothered me at all.  This guy was older and interested in little tiny me. He made me feel special and important.  He had dreams of being in a rock band, how cool is that? 

By May K had found out she was pregnant.  Her and her boyfriend were going strong.  She found a way to finish high school just a month after her child would be born, a year and a half early she finished high school.  They were going to get married.  She would be moving in with him too.  Theirs was a fairy tale in my head at the time.  But I knew that would never happen to me ever. 

I just wouldn’t be the girl that got pregnant in high school.  I was too smart for that.  One month later right after high school was let out for the summer and right before summer school started I found out I was pregnant.  Crap holy crap what was I going to do?  This is real and scary.  I knew that I would not abort.  I also knew that I loved this baby and I would parent, know matter what I would parent and never place.  I knew way deep down Rob was not everything I had hoped for in a husband, spouse, father of my child but he never hit me so we could work it out, I figured. 

That was my thinking then. Honestly I knew I had faith enough in myself that I could make it and I would bring Rob around to be the person both my child and I needed.  I figured he would find a job soon.  He would get a place of his own soon. It would work out.  I would make sure of it because I had to protect my child.  My child needed both of her parents. 

November 6, 2012

Healthy eating

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 8:49 pm

I started writing this post and somehow it got deleted (or at least it never saved).

I am a staunch believer in health care, going to the doctor for check ups and everyone having a right to see a doctor.  I am great about getting my kids checked up for any minor hurt and their yearly check ups.  For me I am horrible.  I always say well you are healthy until you go to the doctors.  Everything seems fine and then they discover something wrong with you.  The last time I had a complete check up I was 25, I am now 37.  The last time I saw a doctor for anything was about 4 years ago (that was a optomologist).

This last month I got the nerve to call my doctor and make an appointment.  My family medical history is horrible.  We have auto-immune problems, heart attacks (in 20’s and 30’s), thyroid problems(start in our 30’s), melanoma, high cholesterol (starts as early as teens), blood clots (in the 30’s), and a few other issues. Right now I am the heaviest I have been in about 10 years.  I weigh about 130 and I’m now a full size 4.  I know it isn’t huge by any standards and I’m still am a healthy weight, but it is big for me.  I haven’t worked out really since February.  2012 has hit me hard it has been a bit hellish.

After looking at my family history my doctor decided to run all kinds of tests and I had 15 vials of blood taken for all of these fun tests.  I now have all of the test results back.  I have high cholesterol.  Not high enough to need medication immediately but definitely above the normal range.  My doctor wanted me to change my diet to see if I can lower my cholesterol.  She started talking to me about not eating as much red meat, pork, and dairy.  I cut out beef and pork entirely 13 years ago.  After telling her that she said I should see a dietician.

Yesterday I saw a dietician.  After telling her what I ate on a normal day she said I am doing everything right basically.  I need to add more fruits, but don’t juice them because my body needs the fiber.  She also said I need to eat more throughout the day.  What really sucks is I have a brother-in-law who weighs about double my weight, he eats crappy food, and his cholesterol is about 20 points lower than mine.  Talking to others in my family  that also have high cholesterol it isn’t about what we eat but our bodies are just really great about making cholesterol.

November 2, 2012

Promises

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:19 pm

I might have this totally wrong and if I do can somebody please correct me.  According to NCFA and any group against adoptee rights to their birth certificate it is because of promised confidentiality to their mothers.  I have never heard of a mother actually signing any paperwork in the TPR that says they will be a secret for the rest of their lives from their children.  Many of us did not know that our children would be receiving a falsified birth certificate.  We have been told that we could go to jail for contacting our children but nothing in our TPR says anything about being kept a secret from my own child and every generation after that.  There is nothing legal about separating 2 humans except for a restraining order.  I can guarantee I never had a restraining order against my daughter since birth.  It sounds ridiculous  doesn’t it?  Having a restraining order/Do Not Contact order from your own baby?

Adoption agencies make promises every day that they do not have to keep.  As long as there is not a legal document signed adoption agencies can make promises but do not have to keep them.  Let’s look at open adoptions. Everyday agencies make promises for new mothers of loss about open adoptions.  Some agencies even have a signed agreement between the adoptive couple and first parents.    Signed agreements do not hold up in court.  There is nothing an agency can do about keeping an adoption opened.  But it is what is agreed upon between the adoptive family and natural family.

I want to make sure I got this correct: some promise that might have been said to a mother is the reason adoptees cannot get their OBC, but a signed agreement of open adoption can be ignored by an adoptive family because it is not legal in court.  This is utterly nuts.  Everyone should be able to get their truthful birth certificate without asking mommy may I.  The reasonings we are given to keep adoptees from obtaining this is utterly and totally ridiculous.  When will our legislators start listening???

November 1, 2012

Once Upon a Time Season 2

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:37 pm

If you haven’t seen “Once Upon A Time” be prepared for a lot of adoption triggers.  It is about adoption and fairy tales all rolled up into one.  I swear one of the writers has to either be an adoptee or first parent.  The feelings ring so true.

As I looked up things about the show there are 2 synopsis of the show: “Emma (snow white’s daughter) is stunned by the whole ordeal and is a bit shy about embracing this new relationship between her and the parents she has been looking for her whole life.”   “Snow wants to talk to her daughter. She wants to be the mother she always wanted to be. Snow explains to Emma that she would also have been cursed if they had not hidden her. Emma says, “But at least we would have been together. Which curse is worse?”

Wow you see the mom and dad trying to embrace their daughter and the daughter pushing them away saying she is not ready.  It is too much too fast.  You see the daughter being scared to accept or even acknowledge the love of her parents while the parents are pushing for more.  Then the question comes “Which curse is worse?”  Is it worse to never know your family to wonder to imagine or to grow up with your family but you are in a curse with them.   I was watching this fictional show but almost in tears.  I do not cry over shows or movies.  I do not get hooked onto shows or movies.  But this show has me on the edge of my seat.  It has everything to do with the adoption theme.

I know a lot of people love this show and they are not touched (hammered) by adoption. A lot of people won’t even see the adoption theme running through the show.  But I see it in every single episode.  It doesn’t hold back.  It isn’t about “the loving option”, it shows what it is like to not have answers and to grow up without your parents.  It shows the wants and needs that can only be answered by mothers and fathers.  I will be watching every single show.

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