I do love babies, and watching them grow up and learn new things. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews. What I don’t do well is the labor, delivery, and recovery rooms. I have never gone to a hospital when friends have kids. I usually wait to see babies until they are a few months old unless they are immediate family. Then I suck it up, put on a pretty face, and deal with the delivery rooms.
Since December I have watched my 25 year old niece become a mom. I was one of the first people she told when she became pregnant. I was excited for her and supported her any way possible through out her pregnancy. I love and adore my niece. This pregnancy was very planned with her then boyfriend (now husband). She is financially stable. Her husband is an amazing guy who is protective, loving and supportive of my niece and their now newborn child.
As I watched her through out this pregnancy, part of me wanted to run and hide and get away from reality. But I couldn’t do that to her or myself. What I did realize though was how easy she would have been to take advantage of, to coerce. I could have used her fears and insecurities against her. Instead everyone toned down her fears, her insecurities about being a new mom. She had support and love. There was a big part of me forgiving myself 21 years ago. I still have anger for those who had children and used my fears against me. They knew my fears were normal. They knew how easily a protective mother could be swayed. I didn’t know these things but others sure did. I am talking about church leaders, my social worker (who happened to also be the sw for my daughters adoptive parents too). I still do not understand why others would pressure a mother to give away her child. That is something I will never understand. I have always been a loving fit mother. I needed support, I needed to be built up not torn down. But in all of this I am learning forgiveness of myself.