Heartslinked

May 30, 2013

Expectant Mother

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:45 pm

Is it moral or ethical to get to know a mother before she gives birth?  

Is it moral or ethical to be in the hospital when a woman is giving birth and you plan on adopting the baby?

Those were my first 2 questions on my last post.  I think we all understand that the law is not always what is about ethics and morals.  Why would it be wrong to get to know an expectant mother while she is pregnant?  Why is it wrong for a mother to make an adoption plan?  

When you get to know a mother while she is still pregnant you are making her consider your feelings.  You are building up a friendship based on you parenting and raising her child.  You are putting undo pressure on her doing a very stressful time.  This might go against your feelings, your wants, but shouldn’t you as a PAP make sure that an expectant mother has the resources to raise her own child.  Shouldn’t you be making sure that you are only getting a child that NEEDS a home.  You are only getting a child that can not be raised by their family.  

I would think that this is a basic, that you would make sure that a family can stay together.  Do you really want it the back of your mind that your child’s mother was put under undo pressure to place their child.  Would you want your child’s mother to feel that you pressured her?

Ethics and moral is not just about the mother but making sure PAPs are not hurt either.  That they do not have guilt.  Do you really want a child at any cost?  Do you want to know that your child’s mother and family were not coerced, harassed, or guilt-ed into placing the baby?

I would hope that if I was adopting I would want to know that my child’s mother was not pressured by me or an agency to place.  That I would do everything in my power to keep a family together first.  That if a mother wanted to parent that I would give her the love, power, and acceptance to parent.  I would hope that I would build her up and not be part of the group that tears her down.  

 

May 22, 2013

Ethics, Morals, and Elitism

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:43 pm

I have been thinking a lot and trying to put in words my feelings.  What would a moral and ethical adoption look like?  Now legal and ethical are very different coins.  You can do everything legally but it would also be unethical and immoral.  I see this all the time in adoption.  Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch please read with an open mind and without your personal wants and needs but with a child central view. Adoption should only happen when there is no want or desire to parent a child. And only when know one in the family can take care of the child.

Is it moral or ethical to get to know a mother before she gives birth?  

Is it moral or ethical to be in the hospital when a woman is giving birth and you plan on adopting the baby?

Is it moral or ethical to NOT have the father sign away his rights?

Is it moral or ethical to  adopt a child that is American Indian descent but you do not go through the appropriate channels?

Is it moral or ethical to adopt a child that any member of the child’s family is willing to raise and you fight in court to adopt?  

Is it your responsibility to make sure your agency or facilitator is moral and ethical?  

Is it your responsibility to make sure the child’s mother has the keys to parent?

Is it your responsibility to read about adoption by adult adoptees?

Is it your responsibility to read about adoption by mothers of loss to adoption?  

I know what I am asking is hard and it goes against your wants, your needs, your elitism.  If you are going to parent someone else’s child I would hope you would want the adoption to be as moral and ethic as possible, not just legal.   You will have to explain to your child what you know about his/her adoption and when you knew the facts.  If you fought custody against a grandparent or parent you have to explain that to your adopted child.   You will have to explain why your child was not raised within their own family.  If you close the adoption which is legal you are the one that has to explain this to the child.

I am going to go in more dept through out the next few weeks about each of these things.  Are you strong enough and have an opened mind to read this without your wants getting in the way?

 

 

May 13, 2013

Mothers Day 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 4:34 pm

Before Mothers Day, I put no expectations on myself. I like to live as the moments come. I celebrated Mothers Day with my kids that love and acknowledge me as their mom.  Both my mom and mother-in-law were out of town.  I couldn’t celebrate with them.  We didn’t get together with my sisters this year either for Mother’s day.  It was very different and almost foreign.  I made it through another Mother’s day.  I do love to spend time with my kids and enjoy their company, laughter, and insight to life.  Overall it was a good day as long as I kept part of my heart closed.  I did, I am getting better at protecting myself.  I even got mother day text from my alternative universe kid (those kids that you love like your own even though you did not raise them).

Today as I was scrolling through my news feed on Facebook I saw the following.

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you.

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you.

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you.

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you.

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you.

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you.

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you.

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you.

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience.

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst.

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day.

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be.

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths.

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you.

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you.

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart.

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.” -Amy Young http://messymiddle.wordpress.com/

What about to those mothers that lost a child to adoption, it should say we mourn your loss, we mourn your child’s loss of their mother?  It is not about selfless acts of adoption.  And a failed adoption what about the mother that found that strength to raise her own child?  This poem while acknowledging the loss of adopters with infertility and failed adoptions just seems like such a slap in the face to us mothers that lost a child to adoption.  It is not a selfless act to be preyed upon by others.  It is not selfless to have our children bought and paid for, sold to the highest bidder.    

May 9, 2013

Graduation Time

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 1:35 am

It is my oldest son’s graduation from high school in June.  He is my second child but the first one I raised.  I went to my oldest daughters graduation in 2010, 3 years ago.  It is so different this time around.  To make decisions and be welcomed and honored as a mother of a graduate is so different this time around.

In 2010 my older sister and I flew to Utah to see my daughter graduate.  There were very strict rules.  I was allowed at the graduation but not wanted there or invited by the adoptive parents.  My daughter wanted me there.  My grandson’s PAPs were invited and included as family(my daughter was pregnant at the time).  But me, my daughter’s mother was not included.  The woman that they proclaimed to love and honor for the selfless act of placing my baby with their family.  I was excluded.  This is adoption in my life.  

I was told through my daughter that her parents would be sitting in a certain area and we were not to sit on a large section because they did not want to see me.  Her graduation from high school was held at BYU.  Me a woman that stand’s 5’4″ and weighed 120 pounds soaking wet, I was too much for them to handle.

After the graduation my daughter was to see her parents and we were warned  to stay away.  That we were not welcomed.  It was made clear that if we saw them to not acknowledge who we were.  I guess some people really can not get over their infertility.  It was as if they saw me there fairy tail would be unwound.  The reality that our daughter has a mother that is biologically related would be too much for them.  

My feelings were hurt but what was I to do.  I stuck my tail between my legs while I obeyed and honored their rules.   After all I really was no one and I should be happy that I was even allowed at the graduation.  You know because most birth mom’s don’t get anything. Be quiet, shut up, and sit in your corner please.  I got the message loud and clear.  I had no control and the one to be hurt and pulled between the “adults” would be my child, my first born.   I did as I was told.

This time though it is different,  I get to make the decisions.  All of my family is welcomed.  I get the honor of being a high school graduate’s mom.  All of my kids that want to be at the graduation  can be there.  This is so much better.

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