Heartslinked

March 6, 2013

Scabs that don’t heal

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:17 am

ImageI have been so sensitive this week.  I have been crying easily, this is not like me at all.  Last Wednesday it felt like a scab was pulled off too early.  You know that feeling when you have a scab you have to pick and after you start picking it, it starts to bleed.  It takes a few days to build a new scab.  In the mean time your skin is sensitive and  easily hurts with the slightest bump.  This has been how I feel lately.  I have gone back and forth from crying easily to anger.  

I am angry about a lot of things.  I’m angry about how naive I was 21 years ago.  I am angry about the way I have been treated.  I am angry at my IRL friends still see adoption as a blessing.  They see my pain and write it off as it is just me, as if other mothers do not feel this.  

The truth is if they could talk to mothers decades down the road, after reunion, they would see that a lot of us share this pain in varying degrees.  But I guess to admit this would admit that there are issues with adoption.  To admit that mothers are given life time free counseling by some agencies would admit failure in the system.  If we admitted that anyone that would need life time counseling free there must be something wrong with an institution. If I was to tell you to do a selfless loving thing you would need a lifetime of counseling, I think most people would walk away.  But something in our society sees adoption/lifetime of counseling as loving. Adoption/lifetime counseling is selfless, is brave.  Is it really?  Is giving up on yourself and seeing yourself as a vessel to get your child to their rightful parents loving, brave, selfless?  Or is it just a sign of no self esteem?

When will we ever stop with the crap of you had a bad experience?  You should have waited until you were married?  You should not have sex until you were ready to parent.  Hmm so I know married couples  that have sex weeks after having a baby.  They are not ready physically or financially to have another child. Yet we don’t condemn them because they are married.  This is where I have issues.  Lets admit as humans we enjoy sex.  That is the whole crazy truth.  We enjoy sex period.  Everytime we have sex we are not ready to bring a baby into this world. 

I want someone to look at the picture with this post and explain to me how losing 2 generations is a blessing?  This is the truth of what adoption really looks like.  This pain on my face acknowledges what no words can say.  This is what the loss of adoption looks like. Please explain to my heart that it is acceptable to think I am less than, that I deserve this loss.  Please explain to the next generations that they do not deserve their histories, their genealogy  their families, their blood, their tribe.

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3 Comments »

  1. That photo says so much. So very, very much. My heart hurts… I cannot begin to imagine the horror you have lived through with the loss of your grandson on top of the loss of your daughter. I feel like I have also lost my grandchildren to adoption, but at least they are being raised by my son (not also lost to adoption). Sending you big hugs and hoping an up-swing on this roller-coaster life comes soon.

    Comment by Susie — March 7, 2013 @ 2:45 am |Reply

    • Susie even though your son did not lose his children to adoption you will always experience the loss of him and his family. I don’t see it as any different really. You are not the grandma like you are to your raised children’s kids. It is still a deep loss that you are experiencing. Something none of us were ever prepared for.

      Comment by jeannette4175 — March 22, 2013 @ 5:52 pm |Reply

  2. I’m so sorry for both your losses. I think the worst thing anyone can say is this was YOUR choice, which were the horrible words I heard from my daughter a few days ago–there seems to be no way to make anyone understand that a coerced choice is not a choice at all.

    Comment by teradanielle — May 24, 2013 @ 4:43 am |Reply


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