Heartslinked

February 27, 2013

Birthdays

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:48 pm

What does a mother do on the day her child she lost to adoption has a birthday?  Well if you are me you continue on your day as if it is an other day.  I try to do that at least.  But then as I sit in my office at work as tears come to my eyes and I cry at my desk.  My papers are all covered in tears.  I try to be so strong but I’m not.  I fail every February 27th.  I miss my daughter, I miss the years we should have had.  I feel guilty that my children were not raised togeher.  I hate it that my three raised kids always have each other but my oldest does not.  She will never have the bond that they have.  I know it is my fault. 

I often wonder about adoptive parents.  Do they ever understand what it is like to be me, a mother who placed her first born for adoption?  Can they put themselves in my shoes?  What would they feel if they could sit beside me on her birthday.  Would they even be able to look away.  Would they feel empathy?  Would they get a glimpse of the loss that I have lived?  I understand infertility and wanting a child is hard. I understand that.  I have empathy for that.  But will they ever understand that I don’t want just any child.  I have never wanted to raise someone else’s child.  I have only wanted my own child.  No other child will ever take that place.  I can’t un-live my life, I can’t become un-pregnent, I can’t un-give birth.  My child is alive, she breathes, laughs cries, the child that I will never truly be a part of.  This is what I have to live and endure every single day but her birthday makes it worse and intensifies the loss and pain.

I tried to escape this year.  I went to Disneyland days before her birthday but even the joy of that is covered by the loss and pain I feel today.  I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to hurt but I do still feel this pain.  I was promised the pain would be less, it would go away over the years.  Two decades later the pain, loss, tears, and hurt are still here. I guess that was just another lie that goes along with this hell.

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4 Comments »

  1. Today is my daughters birthday! I miss her…

    Comment by Dolores — February 27, 2013 @ 8:13 pm |Reply

    • I’m sorry, I hate that others share this pain.

      Comment by jeannette4175 — February 28, 2013 @ 12:53 am |Reply

  2. Sending you love & hugs Jeannette ~

    Comment by Susie — February 27, 2013 @ 10:56 pm |Reply

  3. Infertility isn’t wanting a child you can’t have. It’s a disability where you aren’t able to have a child. It’s something people who haven’t been through it couldn’t understand. Just as those who haven’t lost a child to adoption can understand. But we can be empathetic towards each other and acknowledge our losses.

    Comment by gsmwc02 — May 24, 2016 @ 3:09 pm |Reply


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