Heartslinked

February 28, 2013

Made it through 21 birthdays so far…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 7:03 pm

I made it through yesterday.  I was restless, hurt, sad angry, pissed off, crying.  Every emotion went through me.  I did not let my kids see me upset.  I don’t think it does any good to see how broken their mama truly is.  I had friends come out of the woodwork to love and support me.  I did not put on facebook how sad I was I just put up that it was my oldest child’s 21st birthday. 

One of my friends sent me a private message.  It was from a girl I used to babysit and she is about 5 years younger than me.  I loved her family especially her dad.  Her family was a big influence on me growing up.  Her dad used to sometimes do chaperoning of church dances.  While all other adults stood in the back or talked to each other he did not.  He was out there dancing with us and trying to figure out the new ways to dance.  His favorite thing was dancing.  In fact when I babysat his kids, his wife went on dates to dance.  He had such a zest for life.  Well his daughter asked me if I had given up my 21 year old for adoption.  She had remembered me sitting at her kitchen table and talking to her dad about it when I was pregnant.  I confirmed that I had lost my child to adoption she then asked if it was because of the LDS church.  I wasn’t sure how to respond.  I stil have lots of friends that are members and I did not know where she stood with the church.  I just said from my point of view I was pressured to lose my child. I was convinced I was doing the loving, selfless thing by my bishop, parents, and counselor.  I was convinced that if I loved God I would do this and give my child to her rightful parents.  I was just a vessel to carry her into this world.  I just can’t cover up my feelings anymore.  I feel like so much of adoption is lies and I had lived years of lies I’m not willing to do this any longer to spare others feelings.  I have to be true to myself.

My friend responded that she knew several girls that were pressured (in her opinion) by their parents to place their children for adoption.  It was about looking good to other members.  If their grandchildren were placed all was forgiven.  Obviously their children were now brave and helped build a family instead of sinning whores.

I honestly thought this was just me and other mothers who lost their children felt this way.  I never would have thought that members would see this for what it is.  That I would have support from people that grew up LDS but adoption did not touch their lives. 

February 27, 2013

Birthdays

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:48 pm

What does a mother do on the day her child she lost to adoption has a birthday?  Well if you are me you continue on your day as if it is an other day.  I try to do that at least.  But then as I sit in my office at work as tears come to my eyes and I cry at my desk.  My papers are all covered in tears.  I try to be so strong but I’m not.  I fail every February 27th.  I miss my daughter, I miss the years we should have had.  I feel guilty that my children were not raised togeher.  I hate it that my three raised kids always have each other but my oldest does not.  She will never have the bond that they have.  I know it is my fault. 

I often wonder about adoptive parents.  Do they ever understand what it is like to be me, a mother who placed her first born for adoption?  Can they put themselves in my shoes?  What would they feel if they could sit beside me on her birthday.  Would they even be able to look away.  Would they feel empathy?  Would they get a glimpse of the loss that I have lived?  I understand infertility and wanting a child is hard. I understand that.  I have empathy for that.  But will they ever understand that I don’t want just any child.  I have never wanted to raise someone else’s child.  I have only wanted my own child.  No other child will ever take that place.  I can’t un-live my life, I can’t become un-pregnent, I can’t un-give birth.  My child is alive, she breathes, laughs cries, the child that I will never truly be a part of.  This is what I have to live and endure every single day but her birthday makes it worse and intensifies the loss and pain.

I tried to escape this year.  I went to Disneyland days before her birthday but even the joy of that is covered by the loss and pain I feel today.  I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to hurt but I do still feel this pain.  I was promised the pain would be less, it would go away over the years.  Two decades later the pain, loss, tears, and hurt are still here. I guess that was just another lie that goes along with this hell.

Blog at WordPress.com.