January 31, 2013

What I didn’t understand

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:12 pm

Ther was so much I didn’t know and I did not understand almost 21 year ago.  One of the big things I did not understand was I was tearing apart a family, my family when I made an adoption plan.  I was building up another family but MY family had to be torn apart and broken to build up another one.  I did not understand the life long grief that goes into adoption. I did not understand how adoption will adversely affect all of my children.  I did not understand how adoption would affect every single person around me. 

I never expected to have this conversation with my daughter that is now 14.  While my kids were on winter vacation I become mama taxi.  It was a cool day as I was driving Cassie to the mall.  We had the heater on high because both of us get so cold even in our California winter that hit a low of 40 degrees overnight.  Well Cassie and I were discussing my friend K that I helped the week before.  Cassie looked at me and said  “Mom I’m so proud of you.”  As I looked at my little one she said “I wish you didn’t place my sister for adoption,  I wish we grew up together,  I wish we had a real sister relationship.”  I just looked at her and said “I’m so sorry and I wished the same thing”.  I continued to drive as I held back the tears, I couldn’t say anything else or the dam would break and flood gates would open.  I dropped my daughter off where she was going and continued my drive alone as I let the tears fall.  There was nothing else to be said.  I can’t change the past.  I can’t heal my children’s wounds.  I have to acknowledge the pain I have caused all of them.  I have to let them feel whatever they need to.  None of them chose adoption, it was thrown at all of them from birth.  I don’t know how their hearts and souls will heal from their mama’s mistake.


1 Comment »

  1. (((Jeannette)))

    Comment by Susie — January 31, 2013 @ 8:07 pm |Reply

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