Heartslinked

January 31, 2013

What I didn’t understand

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:12 pm

Ther was so much I didn’t know and I did not understand almost 21 year ago.  One of the big things I did not understand was I was tearing apart a family, my family when I made an adoption plan.  I was building up another family but MY family had to be torn apart and broken to build up another one.  I did not understand the life long grief that goes into adoption. I did not understand how adoption will adversely affect all of my children.  I did not understand how adoption would affect every single person around me. 

I never expected to have this conversation with my daughter that is now 14.  While my kids were on winter vacation I become mama taxi.  It was a cool day as I was driving Cassie to the mall.  We had the heater on high because both of us get so cold even in our California winter that hit a low of 40 degrees overnight.  Well Cassie and I were discussing my friend K that I helped the week before.  Cassie looked at me and said  “Mom I’m so proud of you.”  As I looked at my little one she said “I wish you didn’t place my sister for adoption,  I wish we grew up together,  I wish we had a real sister relationship.”  I just looked at her and said “I’m so sorry and I wished the same thing”.  I continued to drive as I held back the tears, I couldn’t say anything else or the dam would break and flood gates would open.  I dropped my daughter off where she was going and continued my drive alone as I let the tears fall.  There was nothing else to be said.  I can’t change the past.  I can’t heal my children’s wounds.  I have to acknowledge the pain I have caused all of them.  I have to let them feel whatever they need to.  None of them chose adoption, it was thrown at all of them from birth.  I don’t know how their hearts and souls will heal from their mama’s mistake.

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January 16, 2013

Sunday

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 7:31 pm

Saturday evening after leaving K and heading home I decided to run to Macy’s to get a few more things for this new baby.  This was Saturday evening(3 days before Christmas).  My husband had made a run earlier to a friends house and had picked up some formula she purchased from Costco for K.  My husband decided to be crazy and go to the mall.  We spent about an hour at Macy’s around 8pm.  It was a mad house to say the least but I found 5 outfits, one of them a christmas outfit, and a little bib.  I found all of that for $60, my hobby is finding good deals.  Well as we were about to check out I realized that if we came back between midnight and 6am we would get 15% off everything.  I figured a little lost sleep would be worth it to save $9. We put the items on hold.

At midnight we headed back to Macy’s. I got what we needed and we were back home about 1am.  I was going to stop by and see K in the morning before they drove the 800 miles back home with a 2 week old baby. 

I saw Kristina, her mom, and her son about 8:30 in the morning.  We sat and talked and talked and talked.  I didn’t want to say good-bye.  I was worried about K, not that I thought she wouldn’t be an amazing mom. But I knew the pressures she would continue to get from the agency,  her family, and friends.  We departed after about an hour (not long enough time to talk).

I hurried over to my nieces because I had to drop something off to them.  After this I quickly went home and got ready.   about noon we went to my husband’s dad’s side Christmas party.  We celebrate Christmas with my father-in-law’s siblings and their kids the weekend before Christmas every year.

This year was bitter sweet.  I love his family but last year everyone met Allysa for the first time.  I was worried about the questions they would ask me.  I did not want to explain, partly because I do not have answers, I do not understand.  Another part is that it brings up too many emotions, too much baggage.  My other children do not need to see the pain it causes me, they have to live it too.  We can both interpret our own pain individually. 

January 14, 2013

Saturday Meeting

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:35 pm

I woke up early again because I couldn’t sleep. K was on her way to Northern California.  I had to travel about an hour North to pick up more items for K and baby.  One of my sisters dropped many new items off at my house for K early that morning.  About 9am my husband and I went to get the many items from his cousin.  She had a one year old boy and had a lot of things she no longer used.  We picked up 3 or 4 trash bags full of things. 

I had some time to kill and we had not finished Christmas shopping so my husband and I went to a close mall and did some Christmas shopping.  we also had lunch together just the two of us at a little burger joint.  We got back home about 1:30 and I put all of the items in my car.  I had my little car full of items.  I had the trunk full and the back seat piled high with items.  I was sure I looked like a hoarder with so many items stuffed in my car.  About 2:30 I decided to head down to our meeting place.  I was nervous, scared, excited.  I was doing something that I could not do for myself 20 years ago.  I wanted to make sure I arrived before K, I did not want her waiting on me, I did not want her to go through this alone, I did not want her to think that no one cared. 

I ended up waiting for about an hour of Mountain Mikes Pizza.  My emotions were out of control, literally.  I was crying, excited, sad.  K and I were texting back and forth.  She was feeling a bit guilty of the pain that she was going to cause.  I texted her something to the affect of “Do PAP’s feel guilty for walking out of a hospital with your child? Do they feel guilty that you go home empty handed?”  Yes I have empathy for PAPs but even if they have a “failed” adoption it is not the same as losing all rights to your own child.  It is not the same as being lied to by an agency.  It is not the same as feeling used for your fertility.  It is not the same as the life time of grief for your own flesh and blood.

As I sat and waited I remembered back to when I signed TPR and had 72 hours to change my mind.  I was about 48 hours into it and I broke down.  I was able to see my baby and I had just got pictures developed at Longs one hour photo.   I was looking at the pictures in the mini van with my mom and her best friend about 8pm at night.  It was cold and dark outside at the beginning of March 1992.  I broke down and cried in a way I never had cried before.  I felt like I was being ripped apart, like my soul was dying.  I knew I couldn’t live another moment without her and all I had to do was ask my mom to drive me back.  My moms best friend said Jeannette let’s go get her.  I was ready but I got this look from my mom that said “no, you did what was best”.  I knew I was alone and I might as well have had no waiting period to change my mind.  This is why I am helping mothers now.

As I waited I knew I was doing this for myself, my children, and my grandson.  I might not be able to change the past but I can help this mom, baby, and the older sister to stay a family.  I can make it so they will never know the loss that I know.  Yes, I’m doing this for selfish reasons.  I’m doing to help heal these old wounds, to try to form new thicker scabs.

After a while I saw K and her mom pull up.  K wanted to change her clothes into something nicer after traveling for about 800 miles.  She changed and I got into her car to get her son with her.  We were less than a mile away from the PAP.  I had never done anything like this and my heart was beating out of control.  As we pulled up K and I got out of the car and her mom stayed in.  As we went up to the door and were about to knock the door opened.  Inside was about 5 people, 4 women and 1 man.  I did not know who was who but we quickly introduced ourselves.  Everyone was dressed in black, red, and jeans.  The women who had jeans on wore a red shirt, had matching shoes, belts, make-up done.  It was a little weird.  It looked like they were having some sort of Christmas party.  The PAP (single woman) explained to K everything the pediatrician had said.  We took the baby and proceeded to leave.  As we left no one shed a tear but one of the friends by the front door asked “Do you know what you are giving up?”  We said nothing and continued to walk to the car.

Now the car seat was in but not adjusted to the baby’s side so K adjusted it while I sat in the front seat, she wanted to be by her baby (understandably).  As K tried to get the baby in safely everyone came outside and stood on the porch to watch us.  It was very strange. 

We drove back to our meeting place, got everything transferred to her car, hugged goodbye, and we drove separately.  I went home and they went to find a hotel.  I was so happy and honored to be part of this.  I called up a friend who was also involved with this and we talked on my way home.  I was at peace, I knew K was going to make it.  I knew she would be OK.  I also got a text from my youngest daughter.  She said “Mommy, you are like  real life hero”  Wow I was most shocked by that.  Here is a young woman, my baby,  who is a freshmen in high school and she looks up to me as a hero.  How many teenagers really ever say that to one of their parents?

I had agreed to meet K the next day after she found a hotel and got some sleep.  I was still getting text from people who wanted to donate.

January 9, 2013

Friday – getting help

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 9:20 pm

I am very slow at writing on my blog. If anyone is still reading I will continue my story. If no one reads then that is okay too. I want this documented.

Friday the 21st was crazy busy. My Facebook was blowing up with help. I got so many private messages. I was arranging pick ups of a lot of baby items. After I got off of work and picked up my kids from school I went to as friends house. She has an eleven month old baby boy. She gave me about 4 paper bag of baby items. Some were new that she just bought because she realized there as a mom in need. Some items her son no longer used so she was giving those to me. After getting the items I went to my sister in-laws and we went on a baby item shopping spree at target. I had money donated through both paypal and friends so I wanted to get K some extra items. We bought everything from clothes, diapers, to a stroller.

I finally got home close to 8pm that night. I didn’t sleep well even though I was exhausted. I was too excited by what was going on. I still had to go the next day and get more items from friends before meeting up with K the next day. I could not believe the number of people willing to help out a mother, someone they had not met. It was crazy to think that me, little old me was involved with this. I was helping a mom to keep her son. I was helping a mom to keep her children together. I am really involved with a group of people who do more than talk. I am involved with women that will help others. We are from different faiths, some believe in God, some are atheist, some conservative, some liberal. None of those thing matters. Adoption has affected all of us and we are coming together to help the next generation. We are preserving families. We are an army of love.

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