Heartslinked

December 31, 2012

December 21 2012 – hope

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 12:56 am

Last Thursday I worked all day and then came home to make dinner.  It was just a normal day.  Kids were studying for their last final.  I had about 8 baskets of cookies and baked goods to make for clients.  It was a normal day at my house.  I was checking Facebook as I made dinner and I saw a friend asking if anyone lived in a little city about 20 miles from my home.  I responded back that I live close by and what did she need help with.  I knew this friend through our adoption community, so I know the request had something to do with adoption.  I had no idea what I was getting into though.  My friend L sent me a private message.  There was a new mother with a 12 day old baby that placed but decided to revoke consent.  The baby was in my area but the mom lived in a different state about 600 miles away.

The mom and grandma were driving in on Saturday to get the son.  I was asked if I could reach out and get a few things together for this family.  Honestly this Christmas season has been very hard emotionally.  It not only is the first Christmas without my nieces fiance (I considered him my nephew) but I didn’t have my kids together this Christmas.  My oldest daughter wants space from me.  She has made that very clear.  So I give her space an don’t contact her but I do miss her.  Neither of us deserve the loss of adoption that was brought into our lives.  This was the second hardest Christmas season of my life.

After finding out what was needed I put up a status on facebook asking for newborn boy items.  Little did I know the response I would receive from my amazing family and friends.  Within an hour I had responses and I realized what amazing people I had in my life.  I had my whole mind-set change in a few minutes.  I could finally do something.  I might be having a hard time but I could make a huge difference with someone else.  I could help a mom never have to endure the agony that is adoption.  I might not be able to change my 3 generations that are affected by adoption but I could keep one family from this.  I could help to keep siblings together.

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December 29, 2012

Dreams and nightmares

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 1:57 am

Last night in the middle of the night I woke up silently crying.  After almost 21 years you would think the dreams would be easier.  You would hope the tears would stop.  I don’t remember the whole dream but I do remember I had just given birth at home (never would have happened in real life).  I remember my baby was very sick but I couldn’t bring her to the hospital because the doctors would take her from me.  The doctors and agency wanted my baby for adoption.  I remember the feeling in my dream knowing I wasn’t good enough to be a mother to any of my children.  I do not know why going to a hospital for my sick baby would mean adoption but for some reason in my dream the hospital equaled loss of my child.  I remember overhearing a someone in my dream saying they were going to sell my baby but they couldn’t get a lot for her because I wasn’t good.

Now being awake for 12 hours and having the day to analyze my dream I do realize it id just a dream.  It is my subconsciousness reacting to my loss.  Maybe I do relate the hospital to losing my daughter.  The hospital was where I walked away from my first born.  It is where I left empty handed.  It seems like I have a lot of emotions still to work out.

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