Different Paths

Different Paths

Content

On my last post I was writing about where I was in 1991, who my closest friend was, who I was dating.  Recently my friend K found me on Facebook.  A few weeks ago we decided to meet at Starbucks to catch up on the past 20 years.  We talked for several hours and caught up on where our lives have headed. My friend K married the father of her son and after 3 years they divorced. Her son’s father has not really been in his life since the divorce.  My friend and her parents raised the son together.  K never remarried or had anymore children.  I honestly felt jealous.  I was jealous of my friend for me and jealous of her son that he never lost his family.  I know I should not be jealous, but those emotions went threw me as we talked.  Adoption was never put on the table foe her as an option. We had walked completely different paths but we started on the same path.  We were the same age , we were best friends, we were dating best friends, and we got pregnant with in 2 months of each other.  I lost my first child to adoption.  My children grew up apart.  My nieces and nephews grew up without one of their cousins.  I did not know my daughter’s name, where she lived, or her adoptive parents names.  My friend got to be the mother she was meant to be.  Her son was not ripped away from his mom.  He was raised in his family, his blood, his tribe.  Of these two scenarios which one is the loving choice?  It does not feel like adoption is the loving choice.  A child staying with his mother, not being ripped from her, a mother getting the love and support she needs to raise her son.  A loving choice is supporting mothers to raise their children

1991 reliving my past

When I was 15 I met this girl in my sophomore year of high school, I’m going to call her K.  We quickly became great friends.  I thought she was so cool.  She was dating a guy that was 20 and had his own place, he had a car and everything.  She was sweet honestly.  We both had dreams and goals beyond high school.  She grew up in a 2 parent household like me but we both had a few bumps in our lives.  We met at our continuation high school.  I was there for skipping classes my freshmen year.  I was back on track for school though.  Even though I did not have enough credits to be a freshmen at the beginning of my sophomore year by the end of my sophomore I was on track to graduate a year early.  I had put in the work that I needed.  I found teachers that truly cared about us students.  They cared not just about how we did in school but how we did in life.  I needed that at the time.  My friend K introduced me to her boyfriend’s best friend in February 1991.  That was Allysa’s dad.  Rob was 20 at the time, he lived with his parents, didn’t graduate high school, and didn’t work.  None of that bothered me at all.  This guy was older and interested in little tiny me. He made me feel special and important.  He had dreams of being in a rock band, how cool is that? 

By May K had found out she was pregnant.  Her and her boyfriend were going strong.  She found a way to finish high school just a month after her child would be born, a year and a half early she finished high school.  They were going to get married.  She would be moving in with him too.  Theirs was a fairy tale in my head at the time.  But I knew that would never happen to me ever. 

I just wouldn’t be the girl that got pregnant in high school.  I was too smart for that.  One month later right after high school was let out for the summer and right before summer school started I found out I was pregnant.  Crap holy crap what was I going to do?  This is real and scary.  I knew that I would not abort.  I also knew that I loved this baby and I would parent, know matter what I would parent and never place.  I knew way deep down Rob was not everything I had hoped for in a husband, spouse, father of my child but he never hit me so we could work it out, I figured. 

That was my thinking then. Honestly I knew I had faith enough in myself that I could make it and I would bring Rob around to be the person both my child and I needed.  I figured he would find a job soon.  He would get a place of his own soon. It would work out.  I would make sure of it because I had to protect my child.  My child needed both of her parents. 

Healthy eating

I started writing this post and somehow it got deleted (or at least it never saved).

I am a staunch believer in health care, going to the doctor for check ups and everyone having a right to see a doctor.  I am great about getting my kids checked up for any minor hurt and their yearly check ups.  For me I am horrible.  I always say well you are healthy until you go to the doctors.  Everything seems fine and then they discover something wrong with you.  The last time I had a complete check up I was 25, I am now 37.  The last time I saw a doctor for anything was about 4 years ago (that was a optomologist).

This last month I got the nerve to call my doctor and make an appointment.  My family medical history is horrible.  We have auto-immune problems, heart attacks (in 20’s and 30’s), thyroid problems(start in our 30’s), melanoma, high cholesterol (starts as early as teens), blood clots (in the 30’s), and a few other issues. Right now I am the heaviest I have been in about 10 years.  I weigh about 130 and I’m now a full size 4.  I know it isn’t huge by any standards and I’m still am a healthy weight, but it is big for me.  I haven’t worked out really since February.  2012 has hit me hard it has been a bit hellish.

After looking at my family history my doctor decided to run all kinds of tests and I had 15 vials of blood taken for all of these fun tests.  I now have all of the test results back.  I have high cholesterol.  Not high enough to need medication immediately but definitely above the normal range.  My doctor wanted me to change my diet to see if I can lower my cholesterol.  She started talking to me about not eating as much red meat, pork, and dairy.  I cut out beef and pork entirely 13 years ago.  After telling her that she said I should see a dietician.

Yesterday I saw a dietician.  After telling her what I ate on a normal day she said I am doing everything right basically.  I need to add more fruits, but don’t juice them because my body needs the fiber.  She also said I need to eat more throughout the day.  What really sucks is I have a brother-in-law who weighs about double my weight, he eats crappy food, and his cholesterol is about 20 points lower than mine.  Talking to others in my family  that also have high cholesterol it isn’t about what we eat but our bodies are just really great about making cholesterol.

Promises

I might have this totally wrong and if I do can somebody please correct me.  According to NCFA and any group against adoptee rights to their birth certificate it is because of promised confidentiality to their mothers.  I have never heard of a mother actually signing any paperwork in the TPR that says they will be a secret for the rest of their lives from their children.  Many of us did not know that our children would be receiving a falsified birth certificate.  We have been told that we could go to jail for contacting our children but nothing in our TPR says anything about being kept a secret from my own child and every generation after that.  There is nothing legal about separating 2 humans except for a restraining order.  I can guarantee I never had a restraining order against my daughter since birth.  It sounds ridiculous  doesn’t it?  Having a restraining order/Do Not Contact order from your own baby?

Adoption agencies make promises every day that they do not have to keep.  As long as there is not a legal document signed adoption agencies can make promises but do not have to keep them.  Let’s look at open adoptions. Everyday agencies make promises for new mothers of loss about open adoptions.  Some agencies even have a signed agreement between the adoptive couple and first parents.    Signed agreements do not hold up in court.  There is nothing an agency can do about keeping an adoption opened.  But it is what is agreed upon between the adoptive family and natural family.

I want to make sure I got this correct: some promise that might have been said to a mother is the reason adoptees cannot get their OBC, but a signed agreement of open adoption can be ignored by an adoptive family because it is not legal in court.  This is utterly nuts.  Everyone should be able to get their truthful birth certificate without asking mommy may I.  The reasonings we are given to keep adoptees from obtaining this is utterly and totally ridiculous.  When will our legislators start listening???

Once Upon a Time Season 2

If you haven’t seen “Once Upon A Time” be prepared for a lot of adoption triggers.  It is about adoption and fairy tales all rolled up into one.  I swear one of the writers has to either be an adoptee or first parent.  The feelings ring so true.

As I looked up things about the show there are 2 synopsis of the show: “Emma (snow white’s daughter) is stunned by the whole ordeal and is a bit shy about embracing this new relationship between her and the parents she has been looking for her whole life.”   “Snow wants to talk to her daughter. She wants to be the mother she always wanted to be. Snow explains to Emma that she would also have been cursed if they had not hidden her. Emma says, “But at least we would have been together. Which curse is worse?”

Wow you see the mom and dad trying to embrace their daughter and the daughter pushing them away saying she is not ready.  It is too much too fast.  You see the daughter being scared to accept or even acknowledge the love of her parents while the parents are pushing for more.  Then the question comes “Which curse is worse?”  Is it worse to never know your family to wonder to imagine or to grow up with your family but you are in a curse with them.   I was watching this fictional show but almost in tears.  I do not cry over shows or movies.  I do not get hooked onto shows or movies.  But this show has me on the edge of my seat.  It has everything to do with the adoption theme.

I know a lot of people love this show and they are not touched (hammered) by adoption. A lot of people won’t even see the adoption theme running through the show.  But I see it in every single episode.  It doesn’t hold back.  It isn’t about “the loving option”, it shows what it is like to not have answers and to grow up without your parents.  It shows the wants and needs that can only be answered by mothers and fathers.  I will be watching every single show.