September 28, 2012

“I’m adopting” It strikes again

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 4:54 pm

How can so much adoption touch my life?  About a third of my children’s friends are adopted.  I have family members that have adopted and I have family that has placed.  When I say family I mean both my family and my husband’s family.  I do not have any close friends that have adopted.  I have known people through church that adopted though. 

I was at book club last Friday.  I joined an existing book club this past April.  There are about 6 of us that are there every month and about 8 woman that come sporadically.  We talk a little about our personal lives but we also talk about the book we just read.  There was a woman that I had never met at book club.  She is a long time member but hasn’t shown up in more than 6 months because of health issues.She has been hospitalized and been on steroids on and off for years because of a lot of health problems.  She is telling us about all of these problems she has been having physically and then announces that she was just approved to adopt.  I’m sitting beside her and I’m in shock.  Everyone else is congratulating her but I can’t.  I know it is the social norm “congratulations for trying to adopt, you must be so excited”. My head was saying”congratulations for coveting another’s child”  “congratulations for falsifying legal documents” I was annoyed and didn’t say a word though, How can anyone in this day and age not look past there own needs and look at the needs of the child and mother.  Why are we still okay with needlessly separating families to build another family.  I couldn’t say anything.  I was just shocked.  I could have asked if she is angry and bitter about her infertility?  I could have asked why she just doesn’t pray more for peace.   I could have asked if she had counseling to deal with the lot that God gave her.  I didn’t say anything.  I am not one to start drama.  I write about my feelings here but that is just my way of getting out my feelings. 

Last Saturday I was at a friends house hanging out and we started talking politics.  All of us are pretty liberal on social issues.  Several of us have very conservative parents.  I’m the baby of the group at 37 and most everyone is about 10 years older than me.  Before anyone gets upset about us liberals I have to say that everyone but me is college educated and most everyone has a master degree.  We live in Silicon Valley and most of my friends are high management in their companies.  I’m not talking to people that are stupid and unacknowledged.  I am not talking about people that take advantage of the government.  None of us do illegal drugs or even smoke cigarettes.  The worst that we do is have a bottle of wine, well they have wine and I drink diet coke usually.

One man started bringing up Birthright, it is a catholic group that supports woman and there babies.  Then we started talking abortion and adoption.I have to state here that I have some pretty awesome friends.  We started talking about the history of maternity homes, etc. Then it really got into adoption. My dear lovely friend who is childless stated that no woman should sign her rights away until 120 days after giving birth.  It should be revocable anytime with in the first 6 months.  I told her I would almost be happy with how about one week to change your mind.  How about we get states to pass laws that are good for the child, family, and the prospective adoptive parents.  We should not have laws that just protect the agencies and PAPs.  Laws that give free acees to a persons original birth certificate.

I think once you know someone who lost a child to adoption and see their pain it makes you think of the other side of the coin.   It makes you think that adoption is deeper than just a blessing.  There are issues in adoption that we should care about.  My friends do not all know my whole entire story.  They know enough to care.  They know I have 4 children and they have met all of them.  They also know that Allysa lost Owen to adoption.




  1. Stuff like this happens all the time. Though I am older than you, I have a lot of friends who have adopted, and I sit back and watch. Some of them can’t stop themselves from telling me how little their child, from another country, another culture, is interested in her roots. Of course, the girl has no possible way to find out anything, so it is undoubtedly healthier for her to shut down her curiosity. My friends–and we have been friends for a couple of decades–told me about this with elation and high fives. They are weekend neighbors and we have friends in common too, but I find I want to avoid them more and more.

    take care, this never seems to get easy.


    Comment by zoozig — October 24, 2012 @ 4:09 pm |Reply

  2. I am sorry, truly I am that I just cannot agree with your posts. I hope you can find peace with your decisions and regret but YOU MADE THIS DECISION. You and your child did not “LOSE” children to adoption- YOU CHOSE IT FOR THEM. You need to know how poisonous your views and opinions are to the world. YOUR STORY IS NOT THE NORM. Stop wishing ill thoughts on people who are adopting. It’s sick!

    Comment by jenna — May 29, 2013 @ 3:09 pm |Reply

    • In my normal life I do have peace, friendship, and love. I have 3 amazing teenagers that I have raised, an amazing husband of almost 20 years, lifelong friends who I get to see a lot. Siblings, nieces, and nephews who I enjoy and love. why is others loss so triggering for you? Why do we have to see everything in the same light? Why is it that both of our opinions not valid and relevant. I did not know the loss and grief that I chose. I did not know the way it would affect all of my children. I did not know that losing my first child would cause her to also lose her first child. I’m sorry these posts are so triggering and upsetting for you. My story is as normal for adoption as yours is.

      Comment by jeannette4175 — May 30, 2013 @ 6:08 pm |Reply

    • Jenna,

      Comment by wsbirthmom — June 1, 2013 @ 1:36 pm |Reply

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