September 12, 2012

honoring my grief, honoring my loss

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 8:41 pm
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I was going to respond to the comment on my last blog.  But my friend M, convinced me otherwise.  instead I want to just talk about the grief.  This woman who does not know me is upset that I still have loss from an adoption that happened 20 years ago.  In the first few years we as mothers are not supposed to express our loss.  If we express our pain we are told things like “you didn’t have a gun put to your head”, “You had 9 months to change your mind(pregnancy) and you still did it”, or we know that our adoptions will be closed if we express grief.  We understood that our adoption hangs on a very fine thread.  Our feelings get pushed down and buried further.  It takes years for our loss to surface.  Very few people can handle our loss and can understand what happened to us.  Even counselors don’t know how to truly deal with adoption loss.  According to some studies it takes 14 years for mothers to start seeking professional help for their grief, 14 years to START to seek help.

I have found for me writing works.  It  is a way to express myself, get out my hurt, my pain, my true feelings. I know that my family and friends can not help me when it comes to this loss.  It always comes back to “You signed the papers, you thought you were doing the right thing, what about the real parents?, adoption isn’t real loss”.  I have been told  that because I have connected with other mothers of loss and adoptees online that we just wallow in our loss, we are not moving forward.  I’m sorry but that is the biggest load of horse puck.  Finding others that understand the pain and loss in adoption, others that have empathy is a good thing.  For so many years I have felt alone in this loss, felt like no one understood and all of a sudden I realize there are more like me.  For me in a twisted way that is a blessing.  I hate that others have the same pain but I’m grateful to no longer walk alone.

I find it interesting that 10 years ago when I went to my uncles grave with my grandmother she openly went for her child that died at birth.  More than 50 years  had passed but my grandmother still had grief and loss of  her child that died.  We acknowledged it, loved her, and helped her through.  50 years later she still felt pain but I’m not allowed to acknowledge my pain even on my personal blog 20 years later or I am labeled angry?  Very interesting how we treat mothers who lose their children to adoption.

Would it be easier on others if I had no pain?  How long are we as mothers allowed to grieve? Am I allowed to grieve my first grandchild lost to adoption?  What are the rules on grief?  Someone should really write it down for us mothers so we don’t mess up and take too much or not enough time grieving.

Do you want to know how I express my loss?   I do not smoke cigarettes, I do not do drugs(I have never even smoked pot), I do not drink alcohol to change my moods, I do not scream and yell either. What I do to express my loss is I write.  For me it is a very healthy way to get out my emotions.  It is how I allow myself to feel the full depth of my adoption loss.  It is the way that I can express my feelings with out blame.  This is how I honor my grief, how I honor my loss.  I think it would be easier for adoptive parents not to read this, not to stumble across words like mine.  I spent years trying to seal the wound adoption has caused so I wouldn’t hurt other’s feelings.  I’m not going to allow myself to be in pain just to protect someone else.  If these words are hard to read imagine living your life with the grief that adoption causes.




  1. We aren’t allowed to grieve. Ever.

    There are some people who need to live in the fantasy land of adoption = sunshine and rainbows.

    If we were allowed to grieve, causing acknowledgement of our grief to be made, then how can adoption continue to = sunshine and rainbows?

    I think that those who speak out against our grief the most are the ones working the hardest to sell adoption = sunshine and rainbows. They have to do the hard sell in order to shove down and ignore the doubts they have about the life they are living.

    I’m so glad that you are writing about your loss and grief. It helps me to know that I’m not alone in this. It helps spread the word of the TRUTH of adoption loss. Maybe it will keep another mother from ever knowing what life without your child due to adoption loss is like.

    Write on!!

    Comment by Susie — September 13, 2012 @ 2:31 am |Reply

  2. I am sorry you had a comment left by someone who doesn’t want to know about the realities in adoption and the fact it is a loss.

    Our pain is inconvenient to those who like to adhere to the sunshine and roses ideal of adoption. It makes them uncomfortable when they see mothers talk about their pain so honestly. Because we were supposed to wither up and die so they could go about raising our child without acknowledging we are our child’s mother as well.

    Adoption loss is also different to other losses in that is a fresh loss every day. We may have felt the initial loss when we first lost our babies but unlike in a death where there is a finality and the person is gone forever, we know our children are out there and they are growin and changing every year. Its not like we can cut them from our hearts. Their connection to us is so much more than merely emotional. We are linked by biology and that in itself is stronger than any other attachment out there.

    I find it hypocritical that women question our grief and loss when they would never dare question a mother whose child had died or kidnapped. Because the way society paints adoption geared to make the adopters comfortable, our loss is unacceptable and just makes them uncomfortable.

    But we should not hide our pain because when we do we make it okay for them to treat us this way. The pain is real and it should be seen for what it is by the rest of the world. They need to understand there are consequences to their delight in creating a family by first pulling another one apart.

    Keep writing and sharing… it is important.

    Comment by myst1998 — September 13, 2012 @ 3:17 am |Reply

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