September 28, 2012

“I’m adopting” It strikes again

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 4:54 pm

How can so much adoption touch my life?  About a third of my children’s friends are adopted.  I have family members that have adopted and I have family that has placed.  When I say family I mean both my family and my husband’s family.  I do not have any close friends that have adopted.  I have known people through church that adopted though. 

I was at book club last Friday.  I joined an existing book club this past April.  There are about 6 of us that are there every month and about 8 woman that come sporadically.  We talk a little about our personal lives but we also talk about the book we just read.  There was a woman that I had never met at book club.  She is a long time member but hasn’t shown up in more than 6 months because of health issues.She has been hospitalized and been on steroids on and off for years because of a lot of health problems.  She is telling us about all of these problems she has been having physically and then announces that she was just approved to adopt.  I’m sitting beside her and I’m in shock.  Everyone else is congratulating her but I can’t.  I know it is the social norm “congratulations for trying to adopt, you must be so excited”. My head was saying”congratulations for coveting another’s child”  “congratulations for falsifying legal documents” I was annoyed and didn’t say a word though, How can anyone in this day and age not look past there own needs and look at the needs of the child and mother.  Why are we still okay with needlessly separating families to build another family.  I couldn’t say anything.  I was just shocked.  I could have asked if she is angry and bitter about her infertility?  I could have asked why she just doesn’t pray more for peace.   I could have asked if she had counseling to deal with the lot that God gave her.  I didn’t say anything.  I am not one to start drama.  I write about my feelings here but that is just my way of getting out my feelings. 

Last Saturday I was at a friends house hanging out and we started talking politics.  All of us are pretty liberal on social issues.  Several of us have very conservative parents.  I’m the baby of the group at 37 and most everyone is about 10 years older than me.  Before anyone gets upset about us liberals I have to say that everyone but me is college educated and most everyone has a master degree.  We live in Silicon Valley and most of my friends are high management in their companies.  I’m not talking to people that are stupid and unacknowledged.  I am not talking about people that take advantage of the government.  None of us do illegal drugs or even smoke cigarettes.  The worst that we do is have a bottle of wine, well they have wine and I drink diet coke usually.

One man started bringing up Birthright, it is a catholic group that supports woman and there babies.  Then we started talking abortion and adoption.I have to state here that I have some pretty awesome friends.  We started talking about the history of maternity homes, etc. Then it really got into adoption. My dear lovely friend who is childless stated that no woman should sign her rights away until 120 days after giving birth.  It should be revocable anytime with in the first 6 months.  I told her I would almost be happy with how about one week to change your mind.  How about we get states to pass laws that are good for the child, family, and the prospective adoptive parents.  We should not have laws that just protect the agencies and PAPs.  Laws that give free acees to a persons original birth certificate.

I think once you know someone who lost a child to adoption and see their pain it makes you think of the other side of the coin.   It makes you think that adoption is deeper than just a blessing.  There are issues in adoption that we should care about.  My friends do not all know my whole entire story.  They know enough to care.  They know I have 4 children and they have met all of them.  They also know that Allysa lost Owen to adoption.



September 12, 2012

honoring my grief, honoring my loss

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 8:41 pm
Tags: , , , ,

I was going to respond to the comment on my last blog.  But my friend M, convinced me otherwise.  instead I want to just talk about the grief.  This woman who does not know me is upset that I still have loss from an adoption that happened 20 years ago.  In the first few years we as mothers are not supposed to express our loss.  If we express our pain we are told things like “you didn’t have a gun put to your head”, “You had 9 months to change your mind(pregnancy) and you still did it”, or we know that our adoptions will be closed if we express grief.  We understood that our adoption hangs on a very fine thread.  Our feelings get pushed down and buried further.  It takes years for our loss to surface.  Very few people can handle our loss and can understand what happened to us.  Even counselors don’t know how to truly deal with adoption loss.  According to some studies it takes 14 years for mothers to start seeking professional help for their grief, 14 years to START to seek help.

I have found for me writing works.  It  is a way to express myself, get out my hurt, my pain, my true feelings. I know that my family and friends can not help me when it comes to this loss.  It always comes back to “You signed the papers, you thought you were doing the right thing, what about the real parents?, adoption isn’t real loss”.  I have been told  that because I have connected with other mothers of loss and adoptees online that we just wallow in our loss, we are not moving forward.  I’m sorry but that is the biggest load of horse puck.  Finding others that understand the pain and loss in adoption, others that have empathy is a good thing.  For so many years I have felt alone in this loss, felt like no one understood and all of a sudden I realize there are more like me.  For me in a twisted way that is a blessing.  I hate that others have the same pain but I’m grateful to no longer walk alone.

I find it interesting that 10 years ago when I went to my uncles grave with my grandmother she openly went for her child that died at birth.  More than 50 years  had passed but my grandmother still had grief and loss of  her child that died.  We acknowledged it, loved her, and helped her through.  50 years later she still felt pain but I’m not allowed to acknowledge my pain even on my personal blog 20 years later or I am labeled angry?  Very interesting how we treat mothers who lose their children to adoption.

Would it be easier on others if I had no pain?  How long are we as mothers allowed to grieve? Am I allowed to grieve my first grandchild lost to adoption?  What are the rules on grief?  Someone should really write it down for us mothers so we don’t mess up and take too much or not enough time grieving.

Do you want to know how I express my loss?   I do not smoke cigarettes, I do not do drugs(I have never even smoked pot), I do not drink alcohol to change my moods, I do not scream and yell either. What I do to express my loss is I write.  For me it is a very healthy way to get out my emotions.  It is how I allow myself to feel the full depth of my adoption loss.  It is the way that I can express my feelings with out blame.  This is how I honor my grief, how I honor my loss.  I think it would be easier for adoptive parents not to read this, not to stumble across words like mine.  I spent years trying to seal the wound adoption has caused so I wouldn’t hurt other’s feelings.  I’m not going to allow myself to be in pain just to protect someone else.  If these words are hard to read imagine living your life with the grief that adoption causes.


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