Heartslinked

August 15, 2012

It has been qui…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 7:27 pm

This past year has been quite emotional for my families.  2012 slammed into us like an 9.2 earthquake and it has continued to give us aftershocks.  It isn’t just adoption but everything. My sisters, my nieces, we all have had a hellish year.  We have dealt with death that came suddenly, longterm relationships ending, loved ones slowly dying, and adoption crap that hits the fan.  It has been quite a while since I wrote, really wrote and talked about my feelings and what is happening in my adopto-world.  Quite frankly it sucks. I am tired of walking on eggshells and apologizing for breathing, apologizing for looking the wrong way, I am just done with half truths.  I’m tired of words saying one thing but actions saying other things.

Honestly it hurts to feel like you have gave everything but it still isn’t enough, it isn’t right, no matter what it is the wrong move.  What is harder is being kicked when you are down.  When you lay it out on the line to talk it out, takew down the walls, and you realize you are not worth it to them.  You are not worth the time to talk it out.

All of my relationships in my life are built on honesty, integrity, love.  I don’t know how to deal with relationships that are not built on these things.  I give everything in my relationships with family and friends and I guess I expect that in return. My family that I see all the time are honest, brutally honest sometimes but I always know where I stand.  My big group of friends that I see a few times a month are the same way.  We might not agree on everything but we are honest and loving.  When we disagree we don’t walk away but talk it out.

Maybe I expect too much. I don’t know.  My heart is hurting on so many levels.  I can only be a mother to my children that want me.  I have to come to terms with that.  No matter what I will always love all of my children, I guess I just do not know any other way.

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7 Comments »

  1. Oh Jeannette… I’m so sorry things aren’t going well. Yes ~ a mother always loves her children, no matter what. I hope that one day she will allow herself to accept your love and also love you back.

    Comment by Susie — August 17, 2012 @ 2:57 am |Reply

  2. I am new to your blog which I happened upon quite by accident (searching song lyrics for “has been”. After reading this post I was intrigued and went back through your posts for several months.

    While I don’t know you and would hate to criticize your personal adoption opinion it seems to me that YOU are the cause of most of your problems. What you fail to realize, or perhaps you do and just don’t care, your daughter HAS parents…parents that YOU chose for her. She has known no other parents for most of her life and somehow it seems that you almost expect her to throw them aside and love you only.

    You say that words say one thing and actions say another…what are your ACTIONS saying to your daughter? Are you encouraging her to love her parents (You are not her parent…you are her birth/natural mother, but not her parent)? Are you encouraging her to respect them regardless of the choices they made in parenting her? As I briefly scanned your blog it is apparent that you have no love in your heart for them whatsoever. How then can you expect your daughter to love YOU? Did you ever stop to think that she is viewing your ACTIONS? These are the people that YOU chose to raise her…and she LOVES them and yet you continually point out their flaws and shortcomings…YOU GAVE HER TO THEM!!

    I am sure you have grief over the loss of the dream of parenting her, but truly it seems from an outsider perspective that you really have nobody but yourself to blame for the parents she has since you chose them.

    I was unable to figure out how old your daughter is by briefly scannin your posts but it seems like she may be in her late teens. That is a very long time to hang onto bitterness and anger. As I don’t need such angst and bitterness polluting my world I will not be visiting your blog again . Best of luck to you and your family.

    Comment by laura jo — September 4, 2012 @ 7:39 pm |Reply

    • I will post comment on my next blog

      Comment by jeannette4175 — September 5, 2012 @ 6:05 pm |Reply

  3. Jeannette – DO NOT reply to Laura Jo. She isn’t worth your time or effort. She is a stranger to you and your life. She means nothing in the long run. DO NOT waste your life energy trying to educate someone as close-minded and cold-hearted as she appears to be. That is NOT where you need to be directing your energy and resources. Judgmental and uninformed people like Laura Jo are a dime a dozen. Let her move along – you keep doing what you are doing.

    Comment by Melynda — September 7, 2012 @ 5:10 pm |Reply

    • My thoughts exactly Melynda. Don’t waste another moment of your life on her Jeannette.

      Comment by Susie — September 7, 2012 @ 7:33 pm |Reply

      • My favorite is when Laura Jo starts out by saying, “While I don’t know you and would hate to criticize your personal adoption opinion…” and then proceeds to do EXACTLY that. For another four paragraphs.

        Hi.lar.i.ous.

        And of course, Laura Jo ends her diatribe with the ubiquitous and oh-so-stale, ” As I don’t need such angst and bitterness polluting my world I will not be visiting your blog again.” If this is the case, then why in the H#!! did she feel the need to say all those horrible things to Jeannette in the first place????? Does she think she her unkind and uninformed words have **THAT** much power over some random blogger on the internet? Me thinks Laura Jo is either a PAP, an AP, or a Mormon adoptee.

        Comment by Melynda — September 8, 2012 @ 1:38 am

  4. Wow. What a completely unnecessary and nasty comment to leave on someone’s blog. I hope she doesn’t visit your blog again, she is toxic.

    Comment by myst1998 — September 13, 2012 @ 4:16 am |Reply


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