Heartslinked

August 15, 2012

It has been qui…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 7:27 pm

This past year has been quite emotional for my families.  2012 slammed into us like an 9.2 earthquake and it has continued to give us aftershocks.  It isn’t just adoption but everything. My sisters, my nieces, we all have had a hellish year.  We have dealt with death that came suddenly, longterm relationships ending, loved ones slowly dying, and adoption crap that hits the fan.  It has been quite a while since I wrote, really wrote and talked about my feelings and what is happening in my adopto-world.  Quite frankly it sucks. I am tired of walking on eggshells and apologizing for breathing, apologizing for looking the wrong way, I am just done with half truths.  I’m tired of words saying one thing but actions saying other things.

Honestly it hurts to feel like you have gave everything but it still isn’t enough, it isn’t right, no matter what it is the wrong move.  What is harder is being kicked when you are down.  When you lay it out on the line to talk it out, takew down the walls, and you realize you are not worth it to them.  You are not worth the time to talk it out.

All of my relationships in my life are built on honesty, integrity, love.  I don’t know how to deal with relationships that are not built on these things.  I give everything in my relationships with family and friends and I guess I expect that in return. My family that I see all the time are honest, brutally honest sometimes but I always know where I stand.  My big group of friends that I see a few times a month are the same way.  We might not agree on everything but we are honest and loving.  When we disagree we don’t walk away but talk it out.

Maybe I expect too much. I don’t know.  My heart is hurting on so many levels.  I can only be a mother to my children that want me.  I have to come to terms with that.  No matter what I will always love all of my children, I guess I just do not know any other way.

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