Heartslinked

July 27, 2012

PAP

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:58 pm
Tags: , ,

Dear Prospective adoptive parents,

In this letter I am going to refer to the adoptive person as him to make this an easier read.  This is about fresh from the womb domestic adoption, because tht is the only experience I have.

I know that the road you are going down is confusing and overwhelming.  I’m sure all you want is to be a parent.  I have felt sorry for you as I started my journey into losing my daughter to adoption 20 years ago.  I couldn’t imagine how painful it would be to never have my own children.  Now 20 years later my feelings have changed immensely.  I want to give you some advice.  Some advice that would have helped me, my daughter, my family, and my future children.

It is your moral ethic duty to find out why the woman is placing.  you have to find out why she is placing and move those obstacles out of her way.  Why is this your responsibility you ask?  Very simply is because if you adopt that child you have to look him or her in the eye every day and tell them that you did everything to keep them in their original family.  You loved them enough to put your selfish needs aside and put them first, you love that child unconditionally.  Do you love the child enough as an adoptive parent to see if any family of his could help raise him?  Do you love the child enough to not fight his father for the right to parent?  If the child’s mother came to you and said she regretted her decision days, weeks, or months after she signed the paperwork could you love the child enough to give him back?  In this it shows your moral and ethic character.  Do you love this child unconditionally?  Can you love him enough to kep him in his original family without excuses?  Can you say that your child will have a different life if you adopt and not a better one?

Stay close with your child’s mother and family that the child can be part of his family.  Not just as a visitor but really be part of his family.  Are you willing to stay close enough both physically and emotionally to his family that he can maintain a full relationship?  Does the mother have to fit in appointments like a doctor’s appointment to ever have contact?  Is there a real family relationship?  If your child’s mother ever came to your door would yo welcome her in with open arms like you would your sister or best friend? Would you pretend not to be home?  Would you open the door but complain about it later about how rude that woman is?

What have you done before and after adoption to have all adoptees be equal citizens in this country?  Have you ever donated to the Adoptees Rights Demonstration?  Have you ever gone to a demonstration.  Have you let adult adoptees tell their stories fully and let them talk about their hurt and pain?  They know what adoption is like.  They know what it is like for a whole lifetime.  Have you ever called an adoptee an angry adoptee?  Have you ever discounted their feelings?   Have you ever written to your government to open up the laws?  Have you even thought of these things?  Would you be okay with adopting if your child was able to kep their OBC as their legal form of identification and the adoption finalization records were your proof that you had the right to parent?  If you are not comfortable with your child having full open access to their records and having that as their legal form of identification you should not be comfortable enough in adopting any child.

Lastly don’t ever use the term birth mother.  How hard is it to say Mother?  The woman who loved her child, that felt his first movement, that labored with him, that got stitches where no one wants stitches, that held her child, that cried over him coulntless times, that woman is a mother.  If you don’t refer to yourself as adoptive mother in front of your child then never refer to the woman whos blood runs in your child’s veins as anything other than his mother.

Love,

A mother and a grandmother that his lived adoption for 2 decades

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4 Comments »

  1. Great post Jeannette!!

    Comment by Susie — July 27, 2012 @ 9:36 pm |Reply

  2. Jeannette,

    I have to say. I have recently read all of your blogs- on this site and the last. To say I am offended would be an understatement. Though I can sympathize with your personal experience you do need to know that most adoptions don’t go the way yours did. I myself am an adoptee and I have had nothing short of a spectacular life. I have parents who love me unconditionally and had a closed adoption until the age of 18. Only at that age did I find my biological parents and chose whether or not to build a relationship with them from there. I do not call my BIRTH mother, mom nor do my parents. She is not my “mom” or “mother”. She did not raise me, bathe me, dry my tears or teach me right from wrong. I feel it is simply inconsiderate and to be blunt- quite ignorant to assume all biological mother’s and adoptees feel the way you and Allyssa do. I thought you should know that through your sharing you are also hurting other people.

    Comment by jenna — May 29, 2013 @ 2:57 pm |Reply

    • Wow, my blog must be very upsetting to you to cause so much harm to your soul. This blog, is my normal. this is what I have lived and what I know. This is as normal as your experience is for you. I never assumed all mothers feel the same as I also do not think that every adoptees feel as you do or as my daughter does. We all have seen things from our own perspective, from talking to other adoptees and mothers. If you want to call your mother mom, mother, or by her first name, that is between the two of you. I would have hoped your ADOPTIVE mother would have loved both you and your biological mother enough to call her mother, just as she had you call your aunts, and grandmother with respect by calling them grandma sue or aunt sue. If she did not than that is between you guys. I do not know your story and you only know the part of my story that I write on here. I’m sorry that my pain bothers you so much. I’m sorry that me finding a healthy place to go bothers you so much. I do not do drugs, hurt myself, smoke, or drink to cover up my pain instead I write.

      Comment by jeannette4175 — May 30, 2013 @ 6:20 pm |Reply

  3. Because you do not drink, smoke or do drugs does not make your form of expression healthy. You did not damage my soul in any way, shape or form but I do feel very sadly for your soul and your having to endure such a heavy weight for so very long. Maybe I came off in the wrong way and I do apologize for that if I did. My mother had also given up a child for adoption at a young age and is called “Grandma” by his children so she most certainly would have no problem with me calling my birth mother, “mom”. I just do not find that appropriate nor do I find it necessary considering she is not. I love her very, VERY much but that does not make her my mom. It makes her someone who gave me a fighting chance at a much better life and I love her UNCONDITIONALLY for that. At 16 years old there is just no way you can provide a stable, healthy and consistently happy home for your child as I have many friends who have been through it. I do not judge anyone for their opinions or thoughts but after reading your blog I had to reach out. I could not stay quiet. You posted many times about not being happy for adopting couples or wanting to let everyone know how terrible adoption is and that you should not adopt unless it is a life or death situation to sum it up. This is not the case. Though it may be your “norm” it is far from the usual so please do not cloud people’s minds with your own personal feelings!

    Comment by jenna — May 30, 2013 @ 6:45 pm |Reply


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