July 6, 2012

Another day of adoption bliss

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 12:14 am

I have a good friend, I will call her W.  We were best friends in elementary school.  We were out casts but we had each other.  We grew apart as we got older.  She was a year younger than me in school but we did go to church together.  We are still friends, I have always adored her.  She comes from a really good family and has 2 sisters and one brother.  When I found Allysa I told her and her mom.  She knew me when I was pregnant, and she never judged.  I have had a bit of an emotional couple days a lot of highs and lows.  My moods have been in the extremes.  W was thinking of me today and sent me a PM.  I will add it below:

  • W:         No worries. It was so great hearing about Alyssa. I would NEVER think anything about anyone that chooses the best thing for the baby and themselves too. People that say stupid things have no idea what a difficult a decision to adopt is. You were so brave and selfless doing that. It enabled her to be with the right family and you had the chance to continue what you needed to do. You blessed her and her family with your hard decision. I like to think of it like you were the chosen vessel to bring this beautiful girl into this world when her parents couldn’t do it. She sounds awesome and I’m glad you have been able to have some contact with her. Take care!
  • 34 minutes ago
    Me:          W  – I have to say I feel very differently. I am not a vessel to bring some infertile couple their child. She is and always will be my daughter. I messed up horribly not given all the truthful facts when I placed her. I never realized how adoption would affect all of my children. To realize that my flesh and blood was bought and sold feels disgusting. My daughter was never meant to be anybody else but my child.
  • Me:      I know it sounds angry but I have had to do soul searching and counseling since reunion. I have been in contact with adoptees and moms who lost their children. There was no blessing from losing my daughter. It is a hell I wouldn’t put on my worst enemy.


I am upset, hurt, I know her heart was in the right place but damn I am tired of unicorn and rainbows.  I am not better, happier, did not mature because I placed my daughter.  This was not better for any of us.  The only people who won was the adoption agency and the adoptive parents.  




  1. I am always astounded at the ignorance even the most “enlightened” show when the subject is adoption….. breath!

    Comment by lktrevino — July 6, 2012 @ 12:57 am |Reply

    • Yes, “breath” as you put it and don’t overreact and want to end a 30 year friendship.

      Comment by jeannette4175 — July 6, 2012 @ 1:13 am |Reply

  2. I’m sorry Jeannette, I know how that hurts. I still haven’t found a way to respond to comments like that from friends and family. I am usually so torn and just trying to tell myself breathe through it that I don’t have the energy nor desire to go into a lesson on the truth of adoption loss.

    Comment by Susie — July 6, 2012 @ 9:28 pm |Reply

  3. Ugg…sorry…I am an adoptive Mom, and I have NEVER felt that E’s first mother was a “vessel” to bring me my daughter.

    Comment by Anne — July 9, 2012 @ 2:33 pm |Reply

    • Anne – thank you for reading my words and trying to understand. I’m so glad you do not think of your daughter’s mother as a vessel. My agency used that term for me on many occasions. It was part of their way to break me so I would place. My daughter’s other mom didn’t use the exact phrase as “vessel” but it was close, it was something like how my daughter was meant to be in their family.

      Comment by jeannette4175 — July 9, 2012 @ 3:16 pm |Reply

  4. I am so sorry – no mother is merely a vessel to cure someone else’s infertility. I am so upset that a friend of yours said that.

    Comment by TAO — July 16, 2012 @ 2:32 pm |Reply

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