Heartslinked

July 27, 2012

PAP

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:58 pm
Tags: , ,

Dear Prospective adoptive parents,

In this letter I am going to refer to the adoptive person as him to make this an easier read.  This is about fresh from the womb domestic adoption, because tht is the only experience I have.

I know that the road you are going down is confusing and overwhelming.  I’m sure all you want is to be a parent.  I have felt sorry for you as I started my journey into losing my daughter to adoption 20 years ago.  I couldn’t imagine how painful it would be to never have my own children.  Now 20 years later my feelings have changed immensely.  I want to give you some advice.  Some advice that would have helped me, my daughter, my family, and my future children.

It is your moral ethic duty to find out why the woman is placing.  you have to find out why she is placing and move those obstacles out of her way.  Why is this your responsibility you ask?  Very simply is because if you adopt that child you have to look him or her in the eye every day and tell them that you did everything to keep them in their original family.  You loved them enough to put your selfish needs aside and put them first, you love that child unconditionally.  Do you love the child enough as an adoptive parent to see if any family of his could help raise him?  Do you love the child enough to not fight his father for the right to parent?  If the child’s mother came to you and said she regretted her decision days, weeks, or months after she signed the paperwork could you love the child enough to give him back?  In this it shows your moral and ethic character.  Do you love this child unconditionally?  Can you love him enough to kep him in his original family without excuses?  Can you say that your child will have a different life if you adopt and not a better one?

Stay close with your child’s mother and family that the child can be part of his family.  Not just as a visitor but really be part of his family.  Are you willing to stay close enough both physically and emotionally to his family that he can maintain a full relationship?  Does the mother have to fit in appointments like a doctor’s appointment to ever have contact?  Is there a real family relationship?  If your child’s mother ever came to your door would yo welcome her in with open arms like you would your sister or best friend? Would you pretend not to be home?  Would you open the door but complain about it later about how rude that woman is?

What have you done before and after adoption to have all adoptees be equal citizens in this country?  Have you ever donated to the Adoptees Rights Demonstration?  Have you ever gone to a demonstration.  Have you let adult adoptees tell their stories fully and let them talk about their hurt and pain?  They know what adoption is like.  They know what it is like for a whole lifetime.  Have you ever called an adoptee an angry adoptee?  Have you ever discounted their feelings?   Have you ever written to your government to open up the laws?  Have you even thought of these things?  Would you be okay with adopting if your child was able to kep their OBC as their legal form of identification and the adoption finalization records were your proof that you had the right to parent?  If you are not comfortable with your child having full open access to their records and having that as their legal form of identification you should not be comfortable enough in adopting any child.

Lastly don’t ever use the term birth mother.  How hard is it to say Mother?  The woman who loved her child, that felt his first movement, that labored with him, that got stitches where no one wants stitches, that held her child, that cried over him coulntless times, that woman is a mother.  If you don’t refer to yourself as adoptive mother in front of your child then never refer to the woman whos blood runs in your child’s veins as anything other than his mother.

Love,

A mother and a grandmother that his lived adoption for 2 decades

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July 18, 2012

Teaching our children about rape

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 7:45 pm

This post can be very triggering for victims of rape please proceed with caution.

My youngest (second daughter) is about to enter high school, she is the first daughter I am raising.  Parenting daughters are different then sons.  The boys are tall and strong, I talk to them differently then my youngest.  My youngest internalizes and analyzes emotions. She is teeny tiny.  She is about 5 foot and not even a hundred pounds, and I think she is done growing too.  I have talked to all of my kids since they were little about drinking, drugs, sex, and bad touching, control over their own bodies.  A few days ago I realized as my youngest is getting older and about to go into high school she needs to be more prepared.  She needs to understand rape. She needs to know that rape is NEVER the victims fault.  The statistics on sexual asault says that 1 in 4 woman will be assaulted before they turn 18.  That scares the crap out of me for my little girl. I have to give my daughter tools to herlp her in case it ever happens.

As a mom I would be a bad mother if I didn’t teach her and if I ever let her think that  rape is a victims fault.  I might not be able to put her in a plastic bubble but I can help her.  Even if nothing ever happens to her I can teach her empathy.  I can just about guarantee that one of her friends will be sexually assaulted, she will know a victim of rape and there should be no shame in that.

We talked for about an hour.  We talked about rape, sexual assault, that no means no always.  No means stop.  Rape is  not about sex but about control and violence.  I explained to her that just like if someone is walking down the street and gets beat up it does not mean they were asking for it, there skirt was not too short or they had their hair in a ponytail, or anything else like that.  We don’t blame the victim of random physical violence and we shouldn’t blame the victim of sexual assaults either.   

I wanted her to understand that she can always talk to me no matter what.  I wanted her to understand very clearly that rape is not a victims fault, It just is not.  I am sure we will talk more later, she will have questions as she grows up, but I always want her to know that she can trust me no matter what.

July 6, 2012

Another day of adoption bliss

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 12:14 am

I have a good friend, I will call her W.  We were best friends in elementary school.  We were out casts but we had each other.  We grew apart as we got older.  She was a year younger than me in school but we did go to church together.  We are still friends, I have always adored her.  She comes from a really good family and has 2 sisters and one brother.  When I found Allysa I told her and her mom.  She knew me when I was pregnant, and she never judged.  I have had a bit of an emotional couple days a lot of highs and lows.  My moods have been in the extremes.  W was thinking of me today and sent me a PM.  I will add it below:

  • W:         No worries. It was so great hearing about Alyssa. I would NEVER think anything about anyone that chooses the best thing for the baby and themselves too. People that say stupid things have no idea what a difficult a decision to adopt is. You were so brave and selfless doing that. It enabled her to be with the right family and you had the chance to continue what you needed to do. You blessed her and her family with your hard decision. I like to think of it like you were the chosen vessel to bring this beautiful girl into this world when her parents couldn’t do it. She sounds awesome and I’m glad you have been able to have some contact with her. Take care!
  • 34 minutes ago
    Me:          W  – I have to say I feel very differently. I am not a vessel to bring some infertile couple their child. She is and always will be my daughter. I messed up horribly not given all the truthful facts when I placed her. I never realized how adoption would affect all of my children. To realize that my flesh and blood was bought and sold feels disgusting. My daughter was never meant to be anybody else but my child.
  • Me:      I know it sounds angry but I have had to do soul searching and counseling since reunion. I have been in contact with adoptees and moms who lost their children. There was no blessing from losing my daughter. It is a hell I wouldn’t put on my worst enemy.

 

I am upset, hurt, I know her heart was in the right place but damn I am tired of unicorn and rainbows.  I am not better, happier, did not mature because I placed my daughter.  This was not better for any of us.  The only people who won was the adoption agency and the adoptive parents.  

 

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