Heartslinked

June 26, 2012

Still too young

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:31 pm

This Saturday I had taken my youngest daughter to my very good friends house.  My youngest is 14 years old and my friends have a daughter turning 7.   My daughter was coming over to help with “make up and hair”.  The make up consisted of sparkly little kids eyeshadow, clear lip gloss, and gem stone stickers.  I decided to stay for a bit. It was my friends J&K with another couple also good friends S & C.  There was also another mom there I had never met.  My friends know parts of my story.  They know I placed Allysa and they know about Owen being placed.   I do not go out of my way to tell others about my life in adoption.  I have friends that are very loving and protective of me as I am of them.  We have a very strong friendship.

We were sitting around having pizza, relaxing, and talking.  This other woman who I just met says “OMG look at this picture on Facebook.”  It was a picture that someone put up of their daughter getting a tattoo on their arm.  The next thing I know this woman is ranting about her friend and how dare she put up a picture of her adult daughter on Facebook getting a tattoo.  I mean it is so low-class.  Then she says “this woman was a teenage mom so that explains her behavior.  She had her daughter at the age of 14 or 16.”  then she started complaining about young moms and starting talking about adoption and how hard it is for couples to adopt.  I got up at that point and made myself busy.  My friend J, looked at this woman and said, “You know Jeannette was a teenage mom and she is a great mother. ”  That at least shut this woman up for a few minutes.

I was pissed, angry, wanted to just smack this lady.  But I did nothing,  I felt that if I said anything to her at all confrontational I would play into her hand of being a low-class teenage mother.  I’m 37 years old and still at times feel like the 16-year-old girl who was so scared.  This woman made me feel less than.  I knew she would never say “well she is mexican/black/ asian that is why she is a bad mom”  but in our society it is okay to say well because a woman was younger than a certain age she will be /is a bad mom.  I feel as though this woman was one of these mean girls in high school, always putting down others to make herself feel better.  Maybe I should have been more confrontational and let her know that her words were unacceptable.  I did not feel a confrontation between adults was acceptable at a 7 year olds birthday party.

To top off the night about 9pm we were talking in a group and the same woman comments how she allows her 10-year-old daughter to have a swig of beer whenever she has a beer.  She then tries to tell me how beer is just water with a kick.  Did you read that her daughter is only TEN years old?  Yes 10 years old, and I’m sure allowing her child to start having a little bit of alcohol didn’t just happen this last week.  I wonder when she thought it was okay for her child to start trying beer?  It still rattles my brain that this woman thought putting a picture of an adult child on Facebook getting a tattoo was bad but a 10-year-old having any alcohol was normal.

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June 14, 2012

Kidnapping the new adoption

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:52 pm

http://fox4kc.com/2012/05/15/missouri-couple-to-keep-allegedly-kidnapped-child/

There are so many things wrong with this article it isn’t even funny.  I have been following this news story for quite a while now.  It blows my mind, makes me want to drink, kind of blows my mind.  I understand that the adoptive parents say that they have no knowledge that the child was kidnapped.  But does that really matter?  If one of my children were kidnapped, adopted, and I found them would I have no legal rights?  Where are the ethics and morals of this child’s adoptive family?  How can they feel so entitled to a child that was kidnapped from her mother, father, and sibling?

This article counts the kidnapped child’s mother as a birth mother.  Really do we count every kidnapped child’s mother as a birth mother?  Or is it just that the child was adopted after kidnapping that we count the mother as  a birth mother?  Have we ever read a news article about Jaycee Dugard and referred to her mother as a birth mother? 

What about the damage to the child by taking a 6 year old from the only country they know and bringing them to a different country?  It is done all the time in International Adoptions.  We never hear any peep about the ONLY family, friends, country, language that the child knows when a child is brought to America.  You do no thear people saying “So your ok with harming the child? Can you imagine being six years old having cop rip you away from your Mommy & Daddy? Then put you on a plane with strangers to live in a country where you will never see any of your school friends & the only family you have ever known? that would severely harm that child & most likely result in a child who become an inmate in a prison, or a dead drug addict”

This is about ethics and morals, that is what this comes down to. Is the adoptive couple more entitled because they have more money and they live in America and not in Guatamala?  Can they look their  daughter’s mother in the eye and see her pain and suffering?  Have they thought about the loss that the child has already suffered?  If I was the child and found out I was kidnapped and then kept from my family how would I feel?  I can tell you right now that this couple has hell to pay.   

June 4, 2012

Death, Grief, Loss

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 9:01 pm
Tags: , ,

I have watched my niece over the last 7 weeks grieve for her loss.  The loss of her best friend, soul mate, the loss of her future.  My family has been pretty awesome overall helping her through this.  She has stood very strong by herself for going through this at such a young age.  I am so glad she has the support around her.  I am proud of the woman she is and she is becoming.

I have noticed that sometimes we push the ones we love to grieve the way we would grieve.  I know the best of intentions are there but we do not all grieve the same.  Some of us need our space and time to feel.  Some of us need to stay busy and work all the time.  Some of us cry a lot and others never shed a tear.  However each of us grieve we have to allow each of us to grieve.   We can not control the way we grieve, cry, and feel the loss.

The one thing I do know about grief is that if we push it down and don’t allow our selves the time each of us need the pain will come back hard at a later time.  If we work through the pain as it comes and deal with each emotion we are able to get through it eventually.  I know my niece will never forget her first love.  He will always be a part of her.   She will always care about him and think about him.

As I watch her and realize that so many people after the first weeks have left her to deal on her own and get over this “issue” I have realized why it is so hard for us that lost our child through adoption to grieve.  With my niece even though we all understand death and realize we will watch our loved ones die I see how others make her feel as if her grieving is wrong.  If there are so many members in our own society that have such a hard time with dealing with grief and death I’m sure it is impossible for the same people to understand our loss in adoption.  After all our children our still alive and we chose this path.  As for adoptees they have parents that love them and got a better life.  As we dig deeper and really understand what happened to both us and our children we are hit back by society and told to go in our corners.  If every member of society would look at all aspects of adoption and the loss that goes along with it we would be a more loving accepting people.  As long as we are told how we are to grieve our loss we can not move forward.  We do not grieve for others but for ourselves.  We have to allow ourselves our time to grieve without the pressure of others.

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