April 5, 2012

Different Views

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 8:26 pm

Yesterday it really hit me how 2 people can view the same event so extremely different.  I have one sister who was previously married. She married her husband when she was 17 and separated from him when she was about 23 or 24.  They had 2 children from that marriage.  She did date when she was getting divorced, before it was finalized.  Her ex husband viewed it as having an affair because technically she was still married to him.   He is still hurt even though it has been almost 20 years since they divorced.  He felt cheated on.  My sister on the other hand felt like she did nothing wrong at all.  They were separated, living in different homes, he was paying child support (I think), and she was moving on with her life.  She knew she was not going back to him ever, so why was it wrong to start dating if there divorce was filed?  If she could have made the divorce instantly finalized she would have.  My sister was an amazing mom to her kids as her ex decided not to prent she stepped up to the plate and did a great job.  She was both mother and father to her kids for years.

How different is this with adoption?  A mother during pregnancy goes to a crisis pregnancy center and  decides to place her child.  She struggles with the decision internally and once she gives birth to her baby  she wants to parent but she feels obligated to a couple she has become friends with to give her child to them.  The couple sees this woman who is selfless and is blessing them with a child.  They see this mother cry but they do not know the anguish she is feeling and the obligation she feels.  Later if the mother ever speaks up about feeling coerced the adoptive parents get defensive and hurt.  They feel like they have loved this woman and now she is betraying them.

Both sides are true, the couple does not know the counseling that the mother received, they do not know the pressure the mother felt, they were just excited to finally become a forever family.  Maybe they overlooked the coercive nature of adoption, maybe they had not truly looked into the history of adoption, maybe they have not come to a resolution about their own fertility.  Adopting a child does not make you fertile.  It gives you a chance to raise a child only.

The mother has a right to her feelings of loss, betrayal, anger, hurt, and anything else she feels.  Like me, the mother, might not realize the price that was paid for her child.   That brings upon a new level of guilt into the mix.  It feels like I sold my child, even though I did not.   Her feelings do not negate the adopters or the adoptee.  They might all be the same story but each person has different views.

The adoptee (for sake of argument I’m talking about newborn adoption) might be hurt by both sets of parents.  Even in an open adoption how does a child come to terms with parent not raising them, especially if there are more children after they were born. The child might feel hurt and betrayed by both sets of parents.  The adoptee might never understand why they were placed and why they could not be kept with their original families.  And then you bring on top of that sealed records, falsified birth certificates.  It would be a struggle for anyone to manage this “triad” with all the mixed emotions.


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