Heartslinked

April 30, 2012

Meeting an online blogger

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:29 pm

I had an awesome amazing experience yesterday.  I met up with my first fellow adoption blogger.  Honestly I was scared and nervous.  First of all I never have met someone from the Internet in real life.  I (and my husband) was a bit worried that I would end up on one of those missing posters.  Then I was scared that we would have nothing in common other than adoption.  I was worried about how I looked in person.  Am I better on paper than in person?  Would we annoy the crap out of each other?  All of these thoughts went through my head.   

Then I found this blogger at her store and we didn’t stop talking for 6 hours straight.  She is smart, funny, and simply amazing.  I could have stayed the whole night and talked with her.  We had so much in common.  I know this might come as a shock to some people that read my blog but neither of us were bitter or angry.  Even if we didn’t have adoption in common I could see us being friends. 

You know what was really nice is usually when I speak about adoption I have to have my walls up and explain every teeny tiny detail.  I have to make sure the person I’m talking to doesn’t get offended or hurt.  But because she has lived adoption for so long and we are on this path together my walls were down.  I could say things without worrying about her being defensive or hurt.  I could say things without her saying well my uncle’s cousin’s boyfriend’s partner adopted and that adoption is great. 

We didn’t talk about just adoption.  We talked about our families, friends, marriage, kids, husbands, the towns where we lived, our jobs, our pasts, presents, our futures.  We talked about our teenage kids and even found out one of my sons and her daughter are almost the exact same age.  To say it was great to meet would put it mildly. 

We talked about fellow bloggers we would love to meet, some that intimidate us(but still want to meet).  We talked about how smart some of these bloggers were.  We talked about politics about adoption.  How we feel towards our placed children’s parents.  It made me realize how much I wanted to meet my other fellow bloggers.  If anyone is ever in the Bay Area or if you live out here please contact me.   

 

Advertisements

April 25, 2012

Medical History

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:14 pm

According to most adoptive parent bloggers of young children their adoptions are open.  These children will always have their medical history.  What happens if/when the adoption closes?  Medical history constantly changes.  Blood relatives get cancer, heart attacks, strokes, diabetes.  Who’s responsibility is it to keep the medical history updated once an adoption closes?  Is it the adoptive parents to keep the lines of communication opened or first parents responsibility to make sure the agency and parents know?

When I placed Allysa I knew we had diabetes, heart attacks, and some blood clot issues.  Now 20 years later that has totally changed. Now I know that we have hemophilia in my family and extreme blood clots in my family.  When I say extreme blood clots I mean my mom and all of her siblings have had blood clots usually in their legs and it starts in their 20’s.  This hasn’t happened just once but several times.  My grandmother is on blood thinners and her first blood clot was when she was in her early 20’s.  In my family blood clots have nothing to do with weight. 

My mother had her first heart attack in her early 20’s (about the time she was 21 or 22 years old)  at the time my mom was not over weight.  We found out her first heart attack was from high cholesterol.  Recently my 41 year old sister  was put on high cholesterol medication.  My sister looking at her should be the last person with high cholesterol.  She works out 5 to 6 days a week for an hour or two per day.  She has a personal trainer she goes to a couple times a week, she takes dance/aerobic classes, and she also does P90X.  She is totally in shape.  She also is on a very strict low-fat diet (I call it no flavor diet).   Honestly it is more than a diet but a way of life, she has ate this way for at least 20 years.  Obviously her high cholesterol is not about her weight or the way she eats but about our family history.

Next I didn’t really know about Scoliosis.  I sort of knew my aunt had it when she was younger but I thought nothing of it.  A few years ago my sister and now her daughter was diagnosed with scoliosis.

Just this week I went to a doctor and he was looking at our blood disorders.  His biggest recommendation for anyone in my family is to never smoke or ever be on any type of hormonal birth control.  He told me that our risk of blood clot is so high that we shouldn’t do anything to put ourselves at a higher risk.  He also said to treat our bodies like we already had clots.  My family should never sit for more than 2 hours at a time.  If we are traveling by car or plane that we should stand up every 2 hours and walk around.   

A lot of this is newer information and recently put together.  If I had no contact with Allysa I should at least give the information to the agency.  I know it is my responsibility as my children’s mother to give all of my children this information.  Some of my families medical disorders are not minor but truly life threatening.  My parents are trying to get all of their parents medical history and their siblings medical history together for us.    So far we have most of the medical history from my mother’s mother.  She is my only grandparent left alive so getting the family history from her is easy but the other grandparents are more complicated.  I don’t think my family will go for digging up my dead relatives and doing genetic testing on them, so we have to go on our own memories of the different diseases they had in their life.

 

April 24, 2012

Labels

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:03 pm

How can anyone hate adoption?  Are there really people like that in this world?  Do we want children to be abused?  Stay in foster care? Languish in orphanages? Starve to death? Yes that what anti-adoption means, right?  I hate children and would rather see them dead than in a beautiful house, have private tutors, and a white picket fence…oh yeah and a pony.  After all every child needs a pony.  Every child that is adopted has all of those things. every child that is adopted has perfect parents and unconditional love.  Everyone that has an unplanned pregnancy and parents is poor, drug user, and will never make it anywhere in life.

First of all I am not into labels.  I don’t consider myself anti-adoption.  I am more for family preservation. Would you call someone anti-family if they went in and used an agency to convince/coerce a mother that she is not good enough for her child?   After all to adopt a family has to be broken up so anyone that adopts must be anti-family.  Anybody that adopts must be selfish and only care about their own wants and desires.

Would you call someone anti-adoptee if they didn’t stand for the rights of adoptees?  We all know if you are not for adoptees rights you are against them.  How would anyone like it if I said if you adopt and have a falsified birth certificate for your child you are anti-adoptee?  You are making your child less than and a second class citizen.

What do these labels mean that we tag onto others?  Why do we put labels on people?  Does it make it easier to take sides?  Does it make it easier to be us against them?  Do labels make it easier to belittle, marginalize, and bully others? I think the answer is yes. As long as we label and play one side against the other than we can not have a common ground.  We can not come together and see the others point of views.

I know I am not one-sided but very three-dimensional.  I have opinions that continually change as I get mor facts and information.  I have a crazy and silly side but I also have a professional intelligent side to myself.  I care and nurture others but I try not to forget about my own needs.  I love to read and given a chance I can read all day long but I am also very social and love to be around other people.  Around people who I know I am very out going, friendly and an extrovert but in unfamiliar situations I am very quiet and shy.  I do not think there is a label that completely fits me.  What label has ben put on you to make you the other, the outcast?

 

 

April 16, 2012

When it rains it pours

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 2:45 am

There is a lot going on with GG’s death.  I have been over at my niece’s as much as possible.  My husband has been awesome and has stayed with the kids and has made up for me not being around.  The service is planned for the 20th.  I have taken a week off of work just trying to deal with this sudden and unexpected loss.  I’m going back to work tomorrow but just part time for this week.

This past Friday evening I found out that my grandmother was in the hospital with breathing problems.  She is 91 years old so it isn’t too surprising but it is just one more thing on my mind. She lives in Utah so it isn’t like I can visit her or anything.

This morning Cassie complained she couldn’t sleep well.  I figured it was because of everything going on but as I was cuddling with her I realized she had  a fever.  Not a little bit of a fever but a 103 degree temperature.  I have her on Tylenol to bring down her temp and she is resting now.

Right now I just want to look up to heaven and say “Really? What’s next?  Bring it on.”

April 14, 2012

My next few pos…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 4:05 pm

My next few posts won’t be about adoption because I’m not dealing with adoption in my life right now, I’m dealing with death.

Saturday was so much fun we celebrated Easter with my family.  We spent all day together.  We ate, laughed, enjoyed each other’s company.  Really everyone got along so well.  After we left I thought wow we haven’t got along this well in so long.  There was no squabbles or hurt feelings overall.  My parents were in town and we got to enjoy them and tease them a bit too.  There was so much laughter that I couldn’t wait for the next get together.  In fact we planned on going to the beach the next afternoon with my family.

Sunday morning I was getting dressed and had just finished my hair and make up.  We had to leave to meet up with my in-laws for Easter brunch at 10am and it was 9:40.  I was just about ready and checking on the kids to make sure they were ready and that my boys had dark socks on with their dress pants and not white socks and sneakers.  My dad called and I thought he was wishing us a happy Easter and just telling us the time to get together for the beach.  As I answered the phone my dads voice wasn’t right.  I knew something was wrong but couldn’t figure out what it was.  Then he told me GG was probably dead.  The paramedics were working on him but from what it sounded like there was no hope.

What??? We saw him 12 hours earlier he couldn’t be dead.  Nobody at 24 years old dies in their sleep when the only medical problem they had been a tooth ache.  This couldn’t be real.  I had to be hearing it wrong.  I started crying, our GG, was dead.  He is my nieces boyfriend of 7 years.  But he was more than that, he was the person that everyone is drawn too.   He protects every woman around him.  He tries to make everyone’s life easier just by making them laugh or listen to them pour out their heart.  He was my nieces soul mate even if they did not have a piece of paper that said they were committed to each other.  The way they looked at each other was amazing.  To think that they found each other at 17, their senior year in high school, and they were inseparable.  They literally did everything together.  They worked together, went out together, and even went to the grocery store together.  I never saw my niece in the last 7 years and not see GG.  We saw each other a lot, we used to have Friday night dinner together, just my family and the two of them.  In the last year he started to truly build his relationship with his sisters, so we only saw him once a month instead of every week.  I counted GG as my nephew, he isn’t blood related and they were not married but he was a big part of our lives.

I couldn’t hold it together, not knowing GG was dead and I had to tell my kids.  I had to devastate my children’s world again.  GG was Kenny’s closest cousin.  Ken looked up to him and would tell GG all of his secrets.  Alex and Cassie weren’t as close but they adored  GG.  I knew I was about to make their world crumble.  People don’t die at 24 years old, not without a car crash, or cancer, or something like that. He hadn’t had kids yet either.  You are not supposed to die so young.  I was devastated and angry.

I tried to stop my tears and I called my kids into my room.  They knew something was really wrong. I told them GG was dead.  The looks in their eyes reflected mine, disbelief, hurt, sadness, and anger.  Each one of them just cried. My husband and I tried to comfort them and hold them but what can we really do?  Nothing was going to make them better.

We dried our tears as best we could and went to brunch with my in-laws.  We couldn’t go to my nieces house yet so I figured we might as well keep ourselves busy.  The kids could barely eat though.  I would look over and there eyes would have tears in them.  As soon as brunch was over we went to my sister’s house and waited until we got the call that we could go to my niece’s house.

My niece called within an hour and we headed over, everyone was devastated.  We could not understand how this was possible.  How could he be gone like this?  It felt like a nightmare to us.  Most of my family, about 25 of us, squeezed into my nieces house.  We stayed with my niece  for the rest of the day and grieved together.  We cried a lot of the day.  What else could we do?  It still doesn’t feel real, I keep wanting to wake up from this.  I just feel so helpless to help my niece through this.  It is so hard to understand why this happened.

 

April 5, 2012

Different Views

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 8:26 pm

Yesterday it really hit me how 2 people can view the same event so extremely different.  I have one sister who was previously married. She married her husband when she was 17 and separated from him when she was about 23 or 24.  They had 2 children from that marriage.  She did date when she was getting divorced, before it was finalized.  Her ex husband viewed it as having an affair because technically she was still married to him.   He is still hurt even though it has been almost 20 years since they divorced.  He felt cheated on.  My sister on the other hand felt like she did nothing wrong at all.  They were separated, living in different homes, he was paying child support (I think), and she was moving on with her life.  She knew she was not going back to him ever, so why was it wrong to start dating if there divorce was filed?  If she could have made the divorce instantly finalized she would have.  My sister was an amazing mom to her kids as her ex decided not to prent she stepped up to the plate and did a great job.  She was both mother and father to her kids for years.

How different is this with adoption?  A mother during pregnancy goes to a crisis pregnancy center and  decides to place her child.  She struggles with the decision internally and once she gives birth to her baby  she wants to parent but she feels obligated to a couple she has become friends with to give her child to them.  The couple sees this woman who is selfless and is blessing them with a child.  They see this mother cry but they do not know the anguish she is feeling and the obligation she feels.  Later if the mother ever speaks up about feeling coerced the adoptive parents get defensive and hurt.  They feel like they have loved this woman and now she is betraying them.

Both sides are true, the couple does not know the counseling that the mother received, they do not know the pressure the mother felt, they were just excited to finally become a forever family.  Maybe they overlooked the coercive nature of adoption, maybe they had not truly looked into the history of adoption, maybe they have not come to a resolution about their own fertility.  Adopting a child does not make you fertile.  It gives you a chance to raise a child only.

The mother has a right to her feelings of loss, betrayal, anger, hurt, and anything else she feels.  Like me, the mother, might not realize the price that was paid for her child.   That brings upon a new level of guilt into the mix.  It feels like I sold my child, even though I did not.   Her feelings do not negate the adopters or the adoptee.  They might all be the same story but each person has different views.

The adoptee (for sake of argument I’m talking about newborn adoption) might be hurt by both sets of parents.  Even in an open adoption how does a child come to terms with parent not raising them, especially if there are more children after they were born. The child might feel hurt and betrayed by both sets of parents.  The adoptee might never understand why they were placed and why they could not be kept with their original families.  And then you bring on top of that sealed records, falsified birth certificates.  It would be a struggle for anyone to manage this “triad” with all the mixed emotions.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.