March 21, 2012

I have read a l…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 9:19 pm

I have read a lot lately, talked with fellow woman both adoptees and moms.  I have soaked a lot of things in.  I have talked to people who have never been affected by adoption.  For me I take a lot of things for granted.  I know how I was isolated and treated when I was pregnant was wrong, I assume everyone knows about the isolation of many expectant woman when they are pregnant and considering adoption.  I know things that were said to me were wrong.  I did not realize how wrong they were until I started talked to people who are not in the adoption world.  I mentioned to a couple of woman in the last few weeks about how I came to place my first-born for adoption.  These are woman I have known for 18 and 19 years but the actual act of surrendering my daughter has not come up.  They know I placed her, they have met her. They have seen adoption as a gift and blessing.  One woman had fertility problems but in her mid 30’s had one child.  The other woman is my age with 2 young children.

For some reason this past couple weeks they both asked me about my pregnancy and surrender of Allysa. They asked me why I placed her.  When did I decide to place.  I started to tell them, I started to tell them what it is like to be a teenager, alone, pregnant, cut off from friends, to feel like you are drowning, to give up on yourself. I told them how I was told I was a vessel to bring my daughter to her rightful parents.  This left both of them in shock, speechless.  They could not believe anyone had EVER been told something like that.  They couldn’t believe that I would believe that.  I explained to them more about how adoption works.  I asked them as mothers could they imagine placing their children, leaving them after birth, I asked them about bonding with their children.  Neither could imagine ever placing their child.

I think I broke their view of adoption that it is a blessing a miracle.   Isn’t that how we change society, with one person at a time.  Maybe next time they see someone adopt they will think of the child’s mother.  They will acknowledge that adoption is about pain and loss.  Even in the best situations, adoption starts off by families being broken up, children losing everything including their names and heritage.

I recently had an online conversation with a fellow blogger.  In the BSE women were sent away when they were pregnant.  They were shamed, abandoned, left worthless.  Now a days it is so different.  20 years ago for me and 10 years ago for this other blogger we were not sent away.  We stayed living at the same place, we stayed in society.    Instead of being sent away for some of us we were abandoned by our friends, by our religion, by our culture. We didn’t need to be sent away because we were already had the letter A on us.  Our sin was showing.  Some of us were asked to leave our youth groups.  Some of us were not allowed Sacrament until after we placed.  Many of us were pressured to do the “right” thing.

Woman are no longer having their babies stolen off the delivery table with no consent.  Today we give consent and have open adoptions.  Today we see women’s heart breaking because of open adoptions being closed.  Woman still are being coerced, lied to, and manipulated for their children.  Until we can have no money exchange hands and people selling babies we will have these problems.  We can not have ethics in adoption when children are being sold for tens of thousands of dollars.  We can not have ethics when a child’s birth is lied about by our government.  We can not have ethics until every PAP can see an expectant mother and not think, I want her baby, but think, how can I help her to parent.  Until all obstacles are out-of-the-way for someone to parent there will be coercion and lack of ethics.




  1. This is a great Post! And I agree, as long as profits are involved we will never have ethics in adoption.

    And you are right, so often it is one person at a time. My biggest shocker was an old friend from high school. She is now and always has been a very devout Catholic and was full of praises for me when I first gave up my son.

    Her thoughts and views of adoption have changed now that I’ve come out of my denial and not hidden from anyone my experience and my feelings. She has a sixteen year old daughter and started to think of my situation and what she has seen me post on adoption and started messaging me last year. She was shocked and disgusted when she learned what adoption is really like and even took it upon herself to research it.

    Not only does she no longer support adoption now, she also, along the way, learned how important it is to support adoptee rights.

    I always figure, with all of us who are speaking out now, even if it is just one we might affect, think of how many that adds up to be in the long run. Its slow but I do believe we are making a difference.

    Comment by Cassi — March 22, 2012 @ 4:10 pm |Reply

  2. Beautiful post! Our actions and our words may one day stop the adoption machine that is devouring both the natural parents and the adoptees.
    We need to keep getting the word out, and helping those who can parent but have little resources to do it. Our pain may one day prevent someone else the life sentence we have been given.

    Comment by Adoptionliesadoptionvictims — March 22, 2012 @ 9:12 pm |Reply

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