Heartslinked

March 13, 2012

Restraining order and adoption plans

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 7:03 am

A couple of weeks ago I was helping one of my good friends through a very hard time.  She has a 2 month old baby and her and her boyfriend just broke up.  Not broke up like oh we went our different ways but broke up as in he pushed her, yelled at her, and then he tried to take the baby.  I was at her house after she filed a restraining order.  It was a long day for her. We talked for about 6 hours straight.  Her ex like most people isn’t a bad guy but he is 40 living with his parents and is in a nowhere job. Together this couple is not healthy even though individually both are nice people.

As we talked we both realized how similar our situations were just 20 years apart.  We were both single and pregnant without a lot of family support.  At the time of her pregnancy she wasn’t on speaking terms with  a lot of her family.  My parents and I were on speaking terms and I was living with them but I didn’t have support to parent.  I needed support.  I couldn’t parent without help.  I don’t really blame my parents or hold a grudge because they were following their culture.  They did as there bishop told them.   They were advised to bring me to LDSFS to help me.  My older sisters were living in different cities and struggling to raise their own families.  They honestly had no idea really what was happening.   I had no one who could support me or knew of any of the effects of adoption.  My parents had no idea the effects on of adoption on both mother and child.  They never adopted and it is in their culture that adoption is a miracle and blessing.  They never questioned what the loss would be for any of us.  They obeyed what they were told.

When it came to the point that my ex did something to warrant a restraining order that was when I was told how important it was to follow an adoption plan, to keep my baby safe.  I wouldn’t necessarily say I pressured but I was told that my child’s safety was so important and anyone can walk through a restraining order.  Getting a restraining order or taking any legal action was discouraged.  I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I believed and trusted the people around me. 

Now 20 years later as I watch my friend walk a similar path but choose to parent and finding legal ways to protect herself and her son I am in awe of her.  I am doing everything in my power to support her.  I never want her and her son to know my pain.  Honestly I am seeing what a different path would have looked like.  Today I was with my friend in court to extend the restraining order and get supervised visits for her ex.  I wasn’t a witness because I never saw anything but I was there for moral support.  To hold her hand, to calm her down, to just listen to her.  I was there so she knew that she had support and love.  I was there for her the way I wish someone would have been there for my daughter and I 20 years ago.

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5 Comments »

  1. I feel like I could have written almost every word of your post. These statements in particular resonated with me:

    “I didn’t have support to parent. I needed support. I couldn’t parent without help.”

    “I had no one who could support me or knew of any of the effects of adoption.”

    “They never adopted and it is in their culture that adoption is a miracle and blessing. ”

    “I was there for her the way I wish someone would have been there for my daughter and I 20 years ago.”

    All of us mothers are such different people but I am amazed over and over again at the similarities between our situations and what we we told and what we believed. I am so glad that you are able to help your friend through this awful time.

    Comment by Eileen — March 14, 2012 @ 3:51 pm |Reply

    • Eileen,
      Do you blog? I don’t know if I follow yours.
      The best we can do now is help mothers that are in the situations we were in. Help them to parent, help them with their confidence, help them meet their challenges. It is nice to hear that I’m not the only one out hear that experienced this. After years of walking this alone it is nice to not find others on the same path.

      Comment by jeannette4175 — March 14, 2012 @ 5:50 pm |Reply

      • No, I don’t blog. I have thought about it many times but I’m not sure that I’m strong enough to take some of the nasty comments that you have to deal with. I read lots of mother’s blogs though. 🙂 It really is nice to know that I’m not alone afer so many years of believing that I was the only one who went through something like this.

        I’m so sorry to hear that your ex threatened you like that. What an awful situation! I was also afraid of my daughter’s father, but he never threatened me openly like that.

        Comment by Eileen — March 15, 2012 @ 2:03 pm

  2. “I was told that my child’s safety was so important and anyone can walk through a restraining order. Getting a restraining order or taking any legal action was discouraged. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I believed and trusted the people around me.”

    Oh. My. Gosh. I could have written this word for freakin’ word. This is *exactly* what happened to me. Keeping my daughter “safe” was the entire premise of my relinquishment.

    Funny thing…once I merely threatened him with a restraining order, I *NEVER heard from her father again. Never. Ever. Ever. *EVER.*

    Comment by Melynda — March 14, 2012 @ 6:12 pm |Reply

    • My ex sent me a tape where he talked about how he would kidnap me and our child to get us away from my family so we could be a family. That was enough to scare me. He never did anything other than threaten and honestly he wasn’t around for his other 7 children (3 before Allysa), I don’t thnk he would have been there for Allysa. I know a lot more now about life and adoption than I did then though.

      Comment by jeannette4175 — March 14, 2012 @ 6:24 pm |Reply


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