Can’t get away from it….

My husband commented recently how almost every show that we enjoy has something to do with adoption.  Modern Family, Once Upon a Time, and Smash.  I watched the first episode of Smash looking forward to it and was disappointed that it involved adoption too.  I watch TV to get away from adoption drama not to add more to it.  TV so often portrays mothers who surrender as young, naive, and lost.  I stick with Once Upon a Time because I love the writing and the actors.  Honestly, I know this is not politically correct, but the adoptive mom being the evil queen and how she makes the mother feel inferior or less than.  I get that, I can totally understand that.  I have felt like that when it comes to my daughter’s other mom.  I have felt small and less than, I have felt inferior.  It has been her actions, her words through letters and text say one thing but her actions towards me say quite another.  Honestly it does hurt, how could it not?  I know every adoptive mother is not like that but it has been like that in my situation. 

I also love to read I joined a book club last week that several awesome friends belong to.  They had a month to read a book but I had about 5 days to read this book.  It was called Shanghai Girls by Lisa Lee.  The book was well written and was about 2 sisters from China in the late 1930’s and how they come to America through an arranged marriage.  I love fictional history, so this book was right up my alley and I finished it in one day.  About half way through the book…spoiler alert…. the one sister ends up being pregnant out of wedlock and the married sister claims the baby as her own.  Can’t I get away from adoption please.  Can’t I read a book and it has nothing about adoption or taking a child as if born to.  I kept thinking about the sister and how hard it would be to never claim your child as your own, to never tell a soul you are a mother.  To see your child being raised everyday but not even being able to ever tell that child you are mine.  To always be seen as the childless one when in fact you are a mother. 

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I have read a l…

I have read a lot lately, talked with fellow woman both adoptees and moms.  I have soaked a lot of things in.  I have talked to people who have never been affected by adoption.  For me I take a lot of things for granted.  I know how I was isolated and treated when I was pregnant was wrong, I assume everyone knows about the isolation of many expectant woman when they are pregnant and considering adoption.  I know things that were said to me were wrong.  I did not realize how wrong they were until I started talked to people who are not in the adoption world.  I mentioned to a couple of woman in the last few weeks about how I came to place my first-born for adoption.  These are woman I have known for 18 and 19 years but the actual act of surrendering my daughter has not come up.  They know I placed her, they have met her. They have seen adoption as a gift and blessing.  One woman had fertility problems but in her mid 30’s had one child.  The other woman is my age with 2 young children.

For some reason this past couple weeks they both asked me about my pregnancy and surrender of Allysa. They asked me why I placed her.  When did I decide to place.  I started to tell them, I started to tell them what it is like to be a teenager, alone, pregnant, cut off from friends, to feel like you are drowning, to give up on yourself. I told them how I was told I was a vessel to bring my daughter to her rightful parents.  This left both of them in shock, speechless.  They could not believe anyone had EVER been told something like that.  They couldn’t believe that I would believe that.  I explained to them more about how adoption works.  I asked them as mothers could they imagine placing their children, leaving them after birth, I asked them about bonding with their children.  Neither could imagine ever placing their child.

I think I broke their view of adoption that it is a blessing a miracle.   Isn’t that how we change society, with one person at a time.  Maybe next time they see someone adopt they will think of the child’s mother.  They will acknowledge that adoption is about pain and loss.  Even in the best situations, adoption starts off by families being broken up, children losing everything including their names and heritage.

I recently had an online conversation with a fellow blogger.  In the BSE women were sent away when they were pregnant.  They were shamed, abandoned, left worthless.  Now a days it is so different.  20 years ago for me and 10 years ago for this other blogger we were not sent away.  We stayed living at the same place, we stayed in society.    Instead of being sent away for some of us we were abandoned by our friends, by our religion, by our culture. We didn’t need to be sent away because we were already had the letter A on us.  Our sin was showing.  Some of us were asked to leave our youth groups.  Some of us were not allowed Sacrament until after we placed.  Many of us were pressured to do the “right” thing.

Woman are no longer having their babies stolen off the delivery table with no consent.  Today we give consent and have open adoptions.  Today we see women’s heart breaking because of open adoptions being closed.  Woman still are being coerced, lied to, and manipulated for their children.  Until we can have no money exchange hands and people selling babies we will have these problems.  We can not have ethics in adoption when children are being sold for tens of thousands of dollars.  We can not have ethics when a child’s birth is lied about by our government.  We can not have ethics until every PAP can see an expectant mother and not think, I want her baby, but think, how can I help her to parent.  Until all obstacles are out-of-the-way for someone to parent there will be coercion and lack of ethics.

 

Rainbow Day

Today I am going off track and not talk about adoption at all.  This morning and my youngest daughter’s school is having Rainbow day.  My daughter is very involved with GSA Club.  She goes there every Wednesday at lunch.  They do not just talk about being gay/lesbian/transsexual/bisexual, but their focus is on acceptance of everyone.  They are teaching kids about bullying and standing up for each other .My little girl has been excited about today for months.  She is allowed to not wear a uniform and put on her rainbow clothes.  She started off this morning by having me help her straighter her hair.  She decided to clip in a rainbow extension into her hair and she added a rainbow headband.  Her outfit was a black dress with 2 bright blue and pink bold stripes going down the front and high top converse.  Of course every girl needs her accessories.  Cassie had the accessories that any 1980’s teenage girl would be jealous of.  She stacked on the rainbow, love, and Hello Kitty necklaces while having a minimum of 18 colorful beaded bracelets that she has made.

As she was getting ready we talked.  We talked about acceptance and judgement.  We talked about leading with our hearts and standing up for the weaker ones.  Letting our friends know we are there to support them when they feel alone. 

Then we talked about her aunt.  My sister as she tells us is not to be labeled.  She isn’t gay, straight or bi, but loves a person because of their heart not their body parts. I have never told my kids anything about any of my siblings sex life.  I never explained my brothers liking woman, some of my sisters liking men, so why would I explain to them that I have one sister that like men and woman?  My crazy thinking is if you are going to explain to your children about their aunt being bi or whatever then you better explain to your children that they have aunts that are straight.  I did not hide it.  My sister has brought her gf over they hold hands,they kiss, they hug.  You can tell they love each other. I never ask them “don’t do that in front of my kids”.  I think it is important for my children to see all kinds of love.  I don’t want to see a straight couple making out in public, it’s rude when it looks like a couple need to get a room.  That for me goes either way. 

I do live in a very liberal state and a liberal area within that state.  My kids can go to the mall any day and see gay couples.  It isn’t something that we ignore, laugh at, or make fun.  It is what it is.  I don’t laugh at a guy for kissing a girl, why would I laugh at a guy for kissing a guy?  Their feelings are the same that I have for my husband. 

Cassie started to tell me how last year parents kept their kids home on rainbow day.  They were kept home so they would not have to put up with anything that might be seen as gay pride, a silent protest.  I understand that we as parents follow our hearts and our religion.  We each have to make the best decision with our children. I just wonder what we teach our kids about intolerance when we keep them home on days like this.  This isn’t about turning your kids gay but about not allowing others to be bullied.

As I pulled up to her school and dropped her off I see every kid has some sort of bright colored rainbow outfit.  Cassie was so excited she jumped out of the car and ran to her friends.  She was excited to be part of the process, to be putting this day together for her classmates.  She was proud what her and about 50 classmates had pull together for her school.

 

 

Restraining order and adoption plans

A couple of weeks ago I was helping one of my good friends through a very hard time.  She has a 2 month old baby and her and her boyfriend just broke up.  Not broke up like oh we went our different ways but broke up as in he pushed her, yelled at her, and then he tried to take the baby.  I was at her house after she filed a restraining order.  It was a long day for her. We talked for about 6 hours straight.  Her ex like most people isn’t a bad guy but he is 40 living with his parents and is in a nowhere job. Together this couple is not healthy even though individually both are nice people.

As we talked we both realized how similar our situations were just 20 years apart.  We were both single and pregnant without a lot of family support.  At the time of her pregnancy she wasn’t on speaking terms with  a lot of her family.  My parents and I were on speaking terms and I was living with them but I didn’t have support to parent.  I needed support.  I couldn’t parent without help.  I don’t really blame my parents or hold a grudge because they were following their culture.  They did as there bishop told them.   They were advised to bring me to LDSFS to help me.  My older sisters were living in different cities and struggling to raise their own families.  They honestly had no idea really what was happening.   I had no one who could support me or knew of any of the effects of adoption.  My parents had no idea the effects on of adoption on both mother and child.  They never adopted and it is in their culture that adoption is a miracle and blessing.  They never questioned what the loss would be for any of us.  They obeyed what they were told.

When it came to the point that my ex did something to warrant a restraining order that was when I was told how important it was to follow an adoption plan, to keep my baby safe.  I wouldn’t necessarily say I pressured but I was told that my child’s safety was so important and anyone can walk through a restraining order.  Getting a restraining order or taking any legal action was discouraged.  I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I believed and trusted the people around me. 

Now 20 years later as I watch my friend walk a similar path but choose to parent and finding legal ways to protect herself and her son I am in awe of her.  I am doing everything in my power to support her.  I never want her and her son to know my pain.  Honestly I am seeing what a different path would have looked like.  Today I was with my friend in court to extend the restraining order and get supervised visits for her ex.  I wasn’t a witness because I never saw anything but I was there for moral support.  To hold her hand, to calm her down, to just listen to her.  I was there so she knew that she had support and love.  I was there for her the way I wish someone would have been there for my daughter and I 20 years ago.

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No rest for the wicked

I am a little slow on blogging lately.  I have a lot going on in my life and most of it has nothing to do with adoption.  I know we are all shocked that I have any life outside adoption.  My hours at work have increased dramatically in the last month.  I have gone from working a normal 40 hours per week to working 60 or more hours per week.  This would be great if I was paid hourly but I’m salary.  My usual day starts at 7:30pm in the office and I’m there until about 4pm.  But I start receiving I emails and phone calls as early as 6am from home, which usually have to be answered immediately.  After I leave the  office and get home I continue with calls and emails until almost 8 at night.  If this wasn’t enough I am working at least 4 or 5 hours on the weekend too at the office. 

I volunteer at my youngest daughters school.  I don’t go into the classes much but I do a lot from home.  We are planning a big trip to Disneyland in May with about 200 12 to 14-year-old teenagers.  I know you are all jealous, what is more fun than chaperoning 200 kids in the early teens?  I’m in charge of the paperwork with the preplanning and getting all the money figured out with payments.  Don’t ask me how I get myself into these situations.  I say no to a lot of volunteer stuff but when it comes to helping the kids with performing arts program I have a hard time.  I know so many schools are getting rid of the arts but at my daughters school it is thriving.  I feel it is important to show the principal that we as parents are dedicated to the programs. 

Lately I have been trying to get together with family and friends more.  I have realized that I need a very active social life.  I need to see people who I love and care about.  I need to take the time to laugh and enjoy our time together.  I need the socialization to help me stay positive.  I need this for me.  Last night we got together with about 5 couples for a late dinner.  I haven’t laughed so hard in a very long time.  We were silly and loud and a little crazy.  We all had so much fun.  We decided that we have to get together more.  I haven’t seen some people in this group for 3 months.   Facebook is a great way to keep up with people but it isn’t the same as talking and interacting in person.

Chaos

I am in the aftermath of reunion.  I feel as if I am pulling the pieces of my heart and life back together.  I am dealing with my raised children’s emotions of feeling abandoned.  I have always kept my raised children’s lives very stable.  We have lived in 3 places their whole lives and the houses are within about 5 miles, we have lived in the same part of the same city all of their lives.  They only switched schools once and that was when their elementary school closed. 

The biggest change before now was when their one set of grandparents moved to Utah about 4 years ago.  They even have some of their great grandparents alive.  Change is not part of their lives.  Stability has always been part of their life. 

We first saw Allysa was moving on facebook.  She told us she would move in a month, then it changed to a few weeks, then it was in days.  From the time we saw it on facebook to her moving out was 6 days.  Chaos and instability has been our left emotions. 

Some of the things that we have had to deal with was explaining to family and friends.  Everyone saw it explode that were friends of ours on facebook.  I have tried to explain it from all of our point of views.  I have not played anyone as the villain.  I wouldn’t do that to any of my children.  But it does hurt, it hurts to feel like you are being ignored. It hurts that I tried my best but it wasn’t enough.  It hurts that both of us are so damaged by adoption.  Who would have imagined this 20 years ago?