20th birthday

I  know as a mom we are supposed to celebrate our children’s birth.  As my oldest daughter’s birthday approached my stomach started turning, my heart clenches tightly, I think back into time where I was, what was I doing 20 years ago.  The pain and hurt are still here just as fresh as they were when I carried her.  Each year the scabs seem to be pulled off and a deeper pain appears.  I’m hoping some year this will get easier.  Some year I will feel like it is a celebration instead of a loss.  We have only been together on her 18th birthday, and that was for about 5 hours.   I guess this is my punishment, I will never really be her mom to most of society.   I’m just a birthmom, I was just here to carry her and give her to the rightful parents.  Or atleast I was convinced of that by my church and social worker.