February 9, 2012

Elephants, Shovels, and Such

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:34 pm

I have been going through a lot of growth and learning recently.

My way of dealing with problems is to point them out.  I try to do this in person and not through text, emails, facebook, or phone calls.  I think you can see the genuine emotion in person when you sit, cry, and talk it out.  It helps to realize where the other person is coming from.  I think in every situation you have to see both view points and opinions.  I think I have to realize I am not always right but I’m not always completely wrong either.

I understand we all mess up and make mistakes.  Even in my blog I have tried not to be cruel, mean, or bitter.  I do understand that there are more than 2, 3 or 4 sides to every situation.  I just need a way to say my side without hurting others.

For me if there is a big giant purple elephant in the room I don’t want to try to go around it.  I would rather work together and push that elephant out.  I understand that is hard work, I understand we can get hurt.  I also understand that is easier when 2 people do it together than just try to ignore it.  I am really bad at ignoring problems especially when I see that the big fat elephant is already expanding and growing bigger.  It can’t be avoided any longer or it will suffocate everyone.

I have decided through advice of some very dear and loving people that my elephant is soffocating me.  I have been avoiding it.  I can’t push it out alone so maybe it is time for me to get counseling to find another way around it.  To find out how to help myself.  Find out how to make my elephant smaller so I can push it out on my own.

BTW -My elephant is not any of my kids but the pain of adoption and how it has affected me and ALL of my children and I have to be strong enough to deal with this all over again in about 18 years.  I need to learn how to help myself so I can help all of them.  I have to learn how to dig myself out so I can help pull them out of this hole. I can’t blame my issues on others, I can’t run from them, but they can’t be avoided any longer either.  I have to face my demons head on.  The time has come I have hit my bottom.  Anybody have a shovel?  I know I am going to fall down many more times but I have to start getting up now by asking for help.



  1. Nette – I am so sorry your feeling this way. I support you fully and hope that counseling will help.. I don’t want to see you hurting. All any of us want is for you to be happy.

    Love you!

    Comment by Cheri — February 9, 2012 @ 7:41 pm |Reply

  2. I hope the best for you. I try to learn from what you write. At church I take time to be friendly and nice to a single unwed mother. She went to LDSFS. Our daughter has a teenage friend who we welcome to our home and do what we can so she feels our emotional support in her efforts to be a good mom to her baby boy. We openly are helping our adopted daughter build a relationship with her birth family that we met last month. The adoption people that I met at LDSFS 17+ years ago were doing what they really felt was the best at that time. The man we worked with knew I wanted to share and get personal info and was nice about it. All of the adoptive moms we met back then shared the info so we each knew how to get the names that we needed to be able to make contact with the birth families. The families that I still keep in touch with do have contact with their child’s families. Please know that there are many adoptive moms that do work hard to do what they can for their adopted child(ren). (I am not trying to disregard your feelings but just telling you another point of view.)

    No, can’t shovel next to you, but I will do what I can to help those around me. I hope the elephant changes to a nice cute little stuffed animal.

    You said you will deal with this again in 18 years. I hope there is an ongoing and good relationship with Owen’s family. I think that would be so much easier than what we are doing with forming a new relationship after many years.

    Comment by Pam — February 10, 2012 @ 4:18 am |Reply

    • Pam, any adoptive mom that would work hard to do what she can for her adopted children in the position of Owen’s adoptress would look for ways to undo the whole adoption process.

      Comment by Teddy — February 10, 2012 @ 10:32 am |Reply

      • Teddy, Are you trying to be the all knowing. It sounds like you are calling me an adoptress also and I should undo my adopted daughter’s adoption?
        If so, I will chose to find humor in your comment.

        Comment by Pam — February 10, 2012 @ 8:52 pm

      • Not all knowing, but knowing that the mother was not given enough time, enough liberty, enough love, enough rest, enough support, enough information and enough chances to enable her to make the correct, honorable, well considered decision.
        Whether you should try to undo the adoption, should in my opinion depend entirely on the wishes of the adopted person, if she would decide the adoption was wrong and that restoring her pre-adoption status would help to mittigate the damage caused by that act, you would morally have to do everything you could to restore to her what you took from her.

        I told you, I’m an example of anger and bitterness concerning adoption 🙂

        Basically my philosophy amounts to: Adoption is always wrong, but sometimes it is less wrong than the alternatives, in such a case the choice for adoption becomes the correct one, as adoption is in such a case the least wrong, but it stays wrong.

        Comment by Teddy — February 10, 2012 @ 11:46 pm

      • It is impossible that you would know my daughter’s birthmother’s situation and why she chose to place her child with us. Take time to learn from others. You don’t have any idea about her and her birth. I have always been very open with my daughter about her birthmom with everything I knew and learned from her. We recently met her birth grandmother and sister.

        I just showed my daughter the blog posts and your comments, she said she does not want to undo her adoption.

        I wish that I could undo the damage that her mother caused to her and her sister. I cannot. I choose to care and love everyone in my daughter’s life. I gave her grandmother a hug to give to her daughter next time she sees her.

        I am sorry for you that you must have or have known a great negative in your life. I have a sister that wishes she had been placed for adoption. If you choose a narrow point of view then you will magnify your anger and bitterness. So until we have a perfect celestial world, supporting each other instead of condemning would sure make life easier.

        Comment by Pam — February 11, 2012 @ 3:11 am

      • “The mother” I referred to was, of course Owen’s mother and Jeanette’s daughter.

        Comment by Teddy — February 11, 2012 @ 7:59 am

  3. Pam,
    Maybe I have had the worst of the adotion experiences, I don’t know. But Owen’s adoption continually opens and closes it is a roller coaster. It closed a year ago within days of the finalization and sealing. It opened back enough for Allysa to see him before she came out to California in May and she did see him on his birthday in July. It closed in November and then in January Allysa got a few mean texts and it closed again. Allysa is moving back to Utah and hoping maybe if she lives close by the adopters and away from me they will let her see Owen. It ddn’t work well for her last time but she is hoping for the adoption that was promised. She is hoping that maybe they will see her as value, as Owens other mom just not his BIRTHMOM, his breeder. I have no hope on this. I expect the roller coaster ride to continue and Owen will be caught in the middle.

    If Owen is anything like Allysa and Steven the adopters are in for major issues in a few short years. He will not understand any of this and he will be very hurt. I do see Owen doing the same thing that Allysa is doing now, in the way she is expressing her loss and grief. She tarted expressing her grief by the time she as 13.

    Comment by jeannette4175 — February 10, 2012 @ 5:58 pm |Reply

    • The elephant doesn’t need words like adopters and breeders. Help Allysa to be kind and loving. I know that the open adoption can’t be forced, but if it was discussed in front of a social worker, I think I would strongly request a meeting with Owen’s parents with the social worker.

      Comment by Pam — February 10, 2012 @ 8:41 pm |Reply

  4. i dont think this woman, Pam understand adoption fully. of course the adoptee wouldnt want to do the adoption when the adotoraptor is asking the damn question!! If my adoptive parents asked I would have said the same thing. She obviously needs to do more research on adoption and adopties and the natural mom. This is so messed up. Why the hell would you peg your adopted child between choosing if she would rather be with you or the natural parents? Pam, that is sick and twisted. You should never have to ask your child, adopted or not if they would ever want to undo their life.

    Comment by allysafoster — February 11, 2012 @ 6:13 pm |Reply

  5. Echoing Teddy’s words: “Adoption is always wrong, but sometimes it is less wrong than the alternatives, in such a case the choice for adoption becomes the correct one, as adoption is in such a case the least wrong, but it stays wrong.” Amen!

    Adoption is a human fascilitated institution which denies Nature and the natural process of life therefore it can never be right. Until people realise the truth of this, adoption will continue to maim and traumatise people’s lives. Adoption denies a person’s right to be who they were born to be – with its guillotine legal effects, it steals away a person’s original identity; one they knew well before birth. It denies families and the effects of adoption travel through the generations. And so that is why there is so much anger and emotion surrounding this topic.

    Comment by myst1998 — February 19, 2012 @ 11:39 pm |Reply

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