Heartslinked

February 28, 2012

Fire

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 9:30 pm

I am done with counseling for now.  I had the three sessions.  Some parts were very good for me and some were not.  After talking with the counselor yesterday she agreed that I basically have my crap together and that I have learned great coping methods before I started.  I do not use drugs, alcohal, or tobacco to help me through.  I do not rely totally on others.  I slowly let my frustration out when things are overwhelming.  I do not wallow in self pity.  I do not do anything to hurt myself or others around me.  She thought educating others about adoption and what it can do to you was a great outlet for me.

It was interseting as we were talking yesterday she compared my experience in adoption with seeds in the forest.  Some seeds in the forest need fire and smoke so they can germinate and become stong trees and plants.  Basically at 16 I walked through the fire alone.  I was burned but a new stregnth was formed.   Almost two years ago, at 35 I walked with my daughter through the same fire.  I again learned to be stronger than I thought was possible.  I wasn’t totally alone but I had to be strong for all 4 of my children. For me this visual of becoming stronger because you walked through the fire has helped, it works for me.

20th birthday

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 4:58 am

I  know as a mom we are supposed to celebrate our children’s birth.  As my oldest daughter’s birthday approached my stomach started turning, my heart clenches tightly, I think back into time where I was, what was I doing 20 years ago.  The pain and hurt are still here just as fresh as they were when I carried her.  Each year the scabs seem to be pulled off and a deeper pain appears.  I’m hoping some year this will get easier.  Some year I will feel like it is a celebration instead of a loss.  We have only been together on her 18th birthday, and that was for about 5 hours.   I guess this is my punishment, I will never really be her mom to most of society.   I’m just a birthmom, I was just here to carry her and give her to the rightful parents.  Or atleast I was convinced of that by my church and social worker.

February 15, 2012

Counseling started…the good, the bad, and the ugly

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 8:11 pm

Monday I started counseling.  I don’t think I will stick with this counselor in the long-term but it is helping me get over the hump.  My husband’s company has a contract with certain therapists to have 3 free (to me) sessions per incident.  My life in adoption counts as one incident.

I do not want a counselor that I have to teach about adoption.  I do not want her speaking for the industry.  If I wanted that I would go to LDSFS, after all I have free lifetime counseling through them.   I have lived years in the adoption fog, I can’t go back to that place.  I can’t unlearn what I know about adoption and how it has affected all of my children, my husband,my parents, my siblings, my nieces, and my nephews.  I can not deny the pain that it has brought to all of us.

One of the things that this new therapist said to me was well you did a beautiful thing by having this child and not aborting it.  WTH??? Seriously she compared placing a child with abortion.  Of course I explained to her that one had nothing to do with the other.   She went on and talked about how adoption could be a blessing because it helped me mature before I had my raised children.  I then explained there was not a lot of maturing since Allysa and Alex are only 2 years and 2 months apart.  I was in the exact same situation when I got  pregnant with Alex as when I was pregnant with Allysa.  I did end up marrying Alex’s dad but I was in the same position, the same skills, the same amount of income.  She brought up that for Allysa’s parents the adoption was a blessing.  I told her when you say that to me it is the same as saying to someone who was molested/raped, well at least the other person had sex and enjoyed them self.   For me in my situation I was taken advantage of for my child.  An agency literally sold my daughter for thousands of dollars.  I was not built up by a counselor and shown the way to be the best parent possible, I was torn down and told repeatedly how I couldn’t parent and how loving adoption would be.

We did talk about how I have to let go of things I have no control over.  I do understand how I have to be available to all 4 of my kids. I have to be both physically and emotionally available.

I do need to find a better counselor, one that understands about adoption, grief, and the aftermath.  I do not want to spend my time educating someone else about my reality of adoption.  Eventually I might need to get some of my kids in to counseling.  I do not want their feelings marginalized by a counselor that does not understand their pain and grief.  If anyone knows of a good counselor in the SF Bay Area please let me know.

 

 

Moving On

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 2:50 am

Well Allysa moved out.  I’m hurting and in pain.  I know she has told me this is about her and fixing burned bridges.  But I loved having all of my kids under one roof.  I loved seeing them interact.  I loved getting ready together in the morning.  I loved the mornings Allysa would come into my bed to cuddle. 

As I picked up the younger kids from school today we drove past the usual place Allysa goes tanning. As we drove past one of the younger kids said “Oh, em, Mom”.  And then they said ” Oh I forgot Alllysa moved.  I was going to remind you that we need to pick up Allysa from the tanning salon on the way home.  This doesn’t feel real yet”  It is going to take a while to get used to the quieter house.  It will take a while to get used to not hearing the younger kids saying to Allysa, “I need to talk to you alone”.  

My 15 year old has been bugging his little sister for a hug.  He just wants to know that he is loved.  It will take time for everyone to get used to this new reality.

I still love Allysa, I’m just missing her right now.  She is always welcomed in our home, her home.  I can’t wait to see her again.

February 10, 2012

Alexia Joaquin

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:13 pm

My niece Cheri sent me this yesterday.  She knows this girl personally and the are in there early 20’s.  I just wanted to share and passthis along.

Hi All,
An old high school friend of mine recently had her baby girl pass away. She was just 15 days shy of her 2nd Birthday.. We are trying to raise money to help with funeral costs and medical bills. We started a donation page at: https://www.wepay.com/donations/alexiajoaquin along with her story.
I can’t imagine losing a child and hope that none of us ever have to endure something like this. Any donation will help this family.. they’ve had to relocate to Texas and move in with their families to cover Alexia’s medical bills. She went through 6 months of radiation and chemotherapy and was one month away from remission and sadly passed away Feb 1st.
Please forward her story to your friends, family, co-workers.
This has really made me re-evaluate my life and has shown me our time here is not guaranteed.. I am doing this to help Vanessa and Anthony’s family the only way I know how.
Thanks! Cheri

February 9, 2012

Elephants, Shovels, and Such

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:34 pm

I have been going through a lot of growth and learning recently.

My way of dealing with problems is to point them out.  I try to do this in person and not through text, emails, facebook, or phone calls.  I think you can see the genuine emotion in person when you sit, cry, and talk it out.  It helps to realize where the other person is coming from.  I think in every situation you have to see both view points and opinions.  I think I have to realize I am not always right but I’m not always completely wrong either.

I understand we all mess up and make mistakes.  Even in my blog I have tried not to be cruel, mean, or bitter.  I do understand that there are more than 2, 3 or 4 sides to every situation.  I just need a way to say my side without hurting others.

For me if there is a big giant purple elephant in the room I don’t want to try to go around it.  I would rather work together and push that elephant out.  I understand that is hard work, I understand we can get hurt.  I also understand that is easier when 2 people do it together than just try to ignore it.  I am really bad at ignoring problems especially when I see that the big fat elephant is already expanding and growing bigger.  It can’t be avoided any longer or it will suffocate everyone.

I have decided through advice of some very dear and loving people that my elephant is soffocating me.  I have been avoiding it.  I can’t push it out alone so maybe it is time for me to get counseling to find another way around it.  To find out how to help myself.  Find out how to make my elephant smaller so I can push it out on my own.

BTW -My elephant is not any of my kids but the pain of adoption and how it has affected me and ALL of my children and I have to be strong enough to deal with this all over again in about 18 years.  I need to learn how to help myself so I can help all of them.  I have to learn how to dig myself out so I can help pull them out of this hole. I can’t blame my issues on others, I can’t run from them, but they can’t be avoided any longer either.  I have to face my demons head on.  The time has come I have hit my bottom.  Anybody have a shovel?  I know I am going to fall down many more times but I have to start getting up now by asking for help.

February 7, 2012

What is the difference?

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:15 pm

I jut read http://benandcamille.blogspot.com/2011/12/forever-changed.html and http://benandcamille.blogspot.com/2012/01/here-with-us.html

It is a very touching story.  But I know if this woman had not been married when her child was conceived she would be asked to go to LDSFS.  She ended up in the same circumstance, single mother and alone.  The difference is premarital sex.  The father is still not in the picture, she will raise her children alone.  She will struggle, she will have to rely on family.  What is the difference between her and I?  When it comes down to the facts of how are children will be raised what is the difference?  Why is she more worthy than I to raise a child as a single mother?  Why is she more worthy than Allysa, or Melynda, or the millions of other mothers?  Why does my church teach this?  Why was she not asked to just look at a couple to raise her children?  She was after all single and alone?  I guess it is the conception that actually matters not the single parenthood.

February 6, 2012

Adoption Advocate

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 8:52 pm

Lets be brutally honest about adoption advocates.  Who makes a good adoption advocate?  Someone who has been through the loss.  How do you convince someone who has surrendered their child to adoption to become an advocate? How do you convince someone to talk for free?  Go read this post http://mormon.org/me/87W2/.  I see behind this woman someone who will break in a few years.  What will happen when she stops drinking the kool-aid?  What will happen once her child that she surrendered starts asking her the tough questions. What will happen when her children read what she wrote on mormon.org?  How will she look at her children and explain to them her reasoning for placing her child?  How will she comfort them when they cry at night for their sibling? How will she comfort the child she lossed to adoption?

We as mothers who have surrendered realize that we have to sugar coat everything.  We have to play the game so we can have contact with our surrendered children.  We know if we advocate adoption and talk to other women that are pregnant and sit on panels we score points with our children’s parents.  We know that for the next 18 years or more that what our children our told about us depends solely on our perceived view on adoption by the adoptive parents.  We know we can not step out of line.  We are not allowed to grieve or show sadness.  Once we do our adoptions close.  Once we claim ALL of our children we are told we are nothing, nothing at all, we are only birth mothers, and we should never forget our place.  The only way to go on is to look at adoption as a miracle and blessing.   We continue to drink the kool-aid, sometimes take it in by an IV.

I can guarantee this woman later will regret what she has written, the way she was used by LDSFS, she will realize that her body is not a vessel to get an infertile couple a baby.  She will realize that she has 2 children, not just one child.  I never sat on panels to convince other women to place their children.  Instead I sat on panels for adoptive parents.  There would be 3 to 5 mothers who surrendered questioned by about 20 couples.  All of us were convinced we did the best thing for our children.  After all, our children,  as babies (under a year old) we were told how happy they were.  How are children belonged with the adoptive couple.  I was too emotionally drained to look any deeper.  I could not bear to look any farther than what I was told.

I do find it interesting that woman who have been mothers of loss for decades are not advocates for adoption.  I know we can find a few but the majority of us do not advocate adoption.  We will not sit on panels and talk to pregnant woman about the miracle and blessing of adoption.  A lot of speak out on the challenges and life long pain of adoption.  We realize the pain not only for ourselves, but the adoptees too.  We would not encourage others to go down our path of eternal loss.

Next is the children.  How do you look in your child’s eyes and willingly deny them?  How do you claim all but 1 of your children?  As I write this I sit a crossed from my oldest daughter, how can I deny her?  Why would I want to deny her existence?  She is and always will be my oldest child.  If you have to deny one of your children, your flesh and blood, then something is desperately wrong.  The question is  – Is there something wrong with the adoption or with yourself for being able to deny one of your children?

 

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