Heartslinked

January 10, 2012

Divorce versus Adoption

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:51 pm

Several times lately I have been around people who talk bad about their children’s other parents in front of the child.  I think we all know that as adults we should never talk bad about our children’s other parent.  It doesn’t matter if you are married or single.  The child is half the other parent.  It wouldn’t matter if the dad is a dead beat drug addict that never keeps his promise and hasn’t worked a legal job in a decade and never paid child support.  He is still the child’s father.  The child is still half the dad.  When you insult one parent you insult the child.

Even with Allysa’s dad I have tried to keep it positive.  I try not to say  hurtful things but let her know the facts.  I have told her before we found him that I did not know what he is like now because I hadn’t seen him in 18 years and most people change, grow and improve with age.  I had assumed he had too.  I had honestly hoped that he was stable, working a good job, happy, and would be a good role model.  I had also hoped he was happily married with several kids.  I was so upset to find that he was in jail and is serving a 30 year sentence.  I was disappointed and hurt for Allysa.  I hated that I had to tell her but she was an adult and she deserved to know that I had found him.  She desreved the whole truth.

I used to always refer to Allysa’s adoptive parents as her parents until she asked me not to.  She asked me to refer to them as their first names.  So I did.  Now I have noticed she is using the terms mom and dad for them so I have too.  I think it is important for her that we try to get along.  I do let her take the lead and show me how she is comfortable with all of us.

How often in real life (not on the internet) do we see adoptive parents talk bad about the natural parents in front of the adoptee?  How many times have we seen the adoptee try to talk about their natural family but are shut down?  I have seen this scenario played out twice in the last 2 months. Why as a society do we not see that it hurts children when we talk about the other biological parent?   We understand this fact in divorce.  It is looked down upon to talk bad about the other parent in front of the child.  In adoption it is common to talk bad about the “birth” parents.  They are obviously less than and inferior because they couldn’t or wouldn’t raise this child, they couldn’t even keep their legs closed.

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1 Comment »

  1. Jeannette:

    I would like to talk to you about the birth father issue as I may have to discuss something similar with my adult child- would you be willing to email me?
    S.

    Comment by S — January 11, 2012 @ 6:35 pm |Reply


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