January 3, 2012

I’m done Being Nice

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:33 pm

20 years ago I was too nice.  I was trying to be the good girl, the compliant girl.  Trying to make up for my bad behavior (you now having premarital sex).  I went to my bishop as instructed and sat with him and was counseled by him.  Adoption was repeatedly brought up as the better than option.  I started going to him when I was 6 weeks along.  I was instructed to go to LDSFS (then known as LDS Social Services) immediately.  I went to counseling almost weekly their also.  I was told repeatedly by my mother how my child was better off with married stable parents. It took 6 months to break me, for me to look at adoption.  I wanted to agree and make everyone happy with me.  I was never given any help or support about raising my daughter.  If my own parents couldn’t see me as a good mother, who would?  I gave up, first on myself but ultimately on my daughter.  I did not fight for her, I did not run away with her.  I gave up.  After 6 months of counselling at LDSFS, my bishop’s counseling, and my parents counseling I gave up.  I couldn’t fight any longer.  I started believing that my body was just a vessel to carry this child to her real parents.  I believed my daughter didn’t need or want me.  I didn’t think that she would even look like me.  I thought she would look like her “real parents” (the adoptive parents).  I was told over and over in letters after she was placed how much she looks like them.  I think I need to do a separate post about adopted children “blending” into adoptive families.

Now I am done being nice.  I have my daughter back and I will not cower to religion or family ever again when it comes to any of my FOUR children.  I no longer attend any church because the affiliation that my church and a lot of churches have with adoption and the culture of adoption that is ingrained into it.  I will do the same to any family member.  If they can not accept my children or any of my children are not included that family member is done with.  I have already seen my daughter be hurt when she sees that the other cousins are together but she wasn’t invited.  That is not okay in my view.  When my family members try to tell me that I don’t understand adoption because I believe all adoptees should have open records.  I cannot  have a genuine relationship with anyone that truly believes my daughter and grandson do not deserve their original birth certificate.  When I have been told that adoptees do not really need their OBC, then I will get angry.  When I’m told that I do not understand adoption, I will be hurt.  I have lived adoption longer than I haven’t.  It’s not about watching someone in adoption and guessing their feelings, I have lived it.  I live it every single day.    I have already lost too much, too many years.  I am willing to give up my parents and siblings this time for my children.  My children have lost too much.  Until others have lost a child to adoption no one can tell me how I should feel or how my children should feel.  I allow my children to tell me how they feel about adoption.  I do not censor them at all.  They need to know that any feelings that they have are ok.  They can love or hate what adoption has done to each of them individually.

Recently my kids were feeling hurt, left out, there feelings trampled on by other family members.  It is hard enough to build family relationships between siblings that did not grow up together but wanted each other.  I couldn’t have them build up their relationships with each other while being torn apart by their extended family.  I had to circle the wagons and protect my children, that is what mothers do.  I’m not saying I do not see my family but I had to not go to every  family get together.  I have to do this to protect my children.  My family either will understand or they won’t. I do not know how they feel about this is their issue but my concern has to be my children first.


1 Comment »

  1. Happy new year, lots of luck and blessing for you!

    Comment by Teddy — January 3, 2012 @ 7:27 pm |Reply

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