Heartslinked

January 31, 2012

I posted on fac…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 4:56 am

I posted on Facebook a link to first mother’s forum about Mitt Romney.  Of course my LDS friends would never believe a word of it.  Afterall adoption is a selfless act that helps the infertile and helps children have two loving parents.

Well I think we all know that adoptive parents abuse, adoptive parents divorce, adoptive parents make mistakes just like natural parents.  I was told that they knew adoptive parents and adoptees and they all love adoption.  Obviously these women that wrote the article did not know anything about adoption, I was told.  There are some things that the LDS faithful will choose to not believe.

They will never imagine that woman are coerced in their church to place their children because they are not married.  Obviously I had premarital sex.  Obviously that was/is a sin in many people’s eyes.  I wasn’t married and I wasn’t going to get married to Allysa’s dad.  I couldn’t provide my daughter with two loving parents.  What they didn’t realize is Allysa had 2 loving parents.  Both I and her father loved her even if I wouldn’t marry him.  I will never doubt even for a second that R loved his child.  He never met her but he did love her.  He did want her very much.

R and I broke up when I was 4 months pregnant.  After that I did not date anyone my whole pregnancy.  I did not sleep around at all.  While I was pregnant I followed my church’s rules.  I went to church, I obeyed everything.  When I was asked to no longer be involved in the youth group I went to the adults group.  I was told I could not take the sacrament until my sins were forgiven.  I obeyed and followed.  I had sinned after all.  I did wrong by having premarital sex.  I went to all sessions with my bishop and LDSFS.

Through out my whole pregnancy I was not allowed to take the sacrament.  After I placed Allysa I was allowed to take the sacrament.  I was not doing anything different the last week of my pregnancy compared to the week after I had Allysa.  Why couldn’t I take the sacrament until I placed?  I know I’m not the only one that had this happen to.  When I talk to LDS woman now they tell me something else was going on.  I must have been doing something wrong.  I have been told my salvation/forgiveness could never have depended on placing Allysa.  But I know what I experienced.  I understand it is hard to believe if it didn’t happen to you, but this happened to me.    This was my experience and I will no longer be silent about it.

 

January 26, 2012

hello again

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 10:36 pm

I have had a very long couple of weeks.  I have volunteered to help the middle school orchestra concert that Cassie is involved in.  This is not a small feat but more like a part time job that I do not get paid for in money.  I have spent hours in meetings, collecting ticket sales, counting money, making deposits, and making sure each of the 250 students money was credited o the right account.  I have been too busy to eat or do much of anyting else including blog.  But the concert is over.  I have a little bit of breathing room.  Each year this concert gets bigger and bigger.  The first year I was involved we had it at the school gym and there was literally wall to wall people.  It was so bad that we knew if the fire marshal came in we would be broken up.  We had about 700 people in an area that should only hold 250 maximum.  We have gone to different venues through out the city in the last 3 years to hold this concert.  This year we were allowed to use our local Universitie’s concert hall.  They only charged us $50 for the whole day.  The orchestra teacher (who btw is the best teacher evah) got professionals from San Francisco Orchestra to come in and play 3 songs.  These middle school students were able to see where they can go if they continue practicing and playing.  I don’t even think these kids know how lucky they are to have not only a great teacher but a great orchestra program that the community supports.

I have missed writing so much.  I have so many things floating in my head. I have things I have wanted to say but haven’t had the time to recently.  I will be back to writing very soon.

 

Musing of the lame

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 10:32 pm

Musing of the lame

January 10, 2012

Divorce versus Adoption

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:51 pm

Several times lately I have been around people who talk bad about their children’s other parents in front of the child.  I think we all know that as adults we should never talk bad about our children’s other parent.  It doesn’t matter if you are married or single.  The child is half the other parent.  It wouldn’t matter if the dad is a dead beat drug addict that never keeps his promise and hasn’t worked a legal job in a decade and never paid child support.  He is still the child’s father.  The child is still half the dad.  When you insult one parent you insult the child.

Even with Allysa’s dad I have tried to keep it positive.  I try not to say  hurtful things but let her know the facts.  I have told her before we found him that I did not know what he is like now because I hadn’t seen him in 18 years and most people change, grow and improve with age.  I had assumed he had too.  I had honestly hoped that he was stable, working a good job, happy, and would be a good role model.  I had also hoped he was happily married with several kids.  I was so upset to find that he was in jail and is serving a 30 year sentence.  I was disappointed and hurt for Allysa.  I hated that I had to tell her but she was an adult and she deserved to know that I had found him.  She desreved the whole truth.

I used to always refer to Allysa’s adoptive parents as her parents until she asked me not to.  She asked me to refer to them as their first names.  So I did.  Now I have noticed she is using the terms mom and dad for them so I have too.  I think it is important for her that we try to get along.  I do let her take the lead and show me how she is comfortable with all of us.

How often in real life (not on the internet) do we see adoptive parents talk bad about the natural parents in front of the adoptee?  How many times have we seen the adoptee try to talk about their natural family but are shut down?  I have seen this scenario played out twice in the last 2 months. Why as a society do we not see that it hurts children when we talk about the other biological parent?   We understand this fact in divorce.  It is looked down upon to talk bad about the other parent in front of the child.  In adoption it is common to talk bad about the “birth” parents.  They are obviously less than and inferior because they couldn’t or wouldn’t raise this child, they couldn’t even keep their legs closed.

January 6, 2012

Who do you look like?

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 8:54 pm
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Recently I was around a new mother (by adoption).  It was commented by others that her new son looks just like her and he blends into the adoptive family.  I will give them that the baby was caucasian and so was the adoptive family.  The mother has blonde hair and blue eyes and so does the baby.  But I have seen pictures of this child’s mother and sister.  This child does not have the features of his adoptive family but he has the features of his first/natural family.  He looks almost identical to his mother and sister.  I have wondered how this child will feel growing up (he isn’t quite a year yet).  Will it bother him when people say he looks like his adoptive family when he can see he looks like his first family?  I know the people talking about the similarities between the adoptive mother and child are saying that to make the new mom comfortable.  But how will this child feel as he grows up when he hears those things?  Shouldn’t adoption be about the adoptee and not the adoptive parents? FYI – the adoptive parents keep pictures of their son’s mother and sister in his bedroom so he can see them every day and they are in a very open adoption.  There are visits with all extended family including grandparents and they are all treated as if they are one big extended family.

I have watched my husband’s cousin grow up in the family.  She was adopted 18 years ago at birth.  I know when she was little she easily blended in to the family.  She could pass for the biological child of her adoptive parents but now that she is an adult and her features are fully formed she no longer looks like her adoptive parents.  She still has the same coloring as them but her features and body shape are not the same as her adoptive parents or siblings.  The siblings were not adopted but are the biochildren of her adoptive father.  The adoptive parents are very slender with outgoing personalities while the adoptee is on the rounder side and she is very shy and quiet.  She would rather be alone with her horses than entertaining people.

I also know that I was repeatedly told that Allysa looks just like her adoptive family and she blends in so well with them.  Now as an adult you can tell what family she comes from.  She has a lot of my looks with some of her paternal aunt’s looks.  She has my mannerism and she even talks like me.  I was not around her at all from the time she was a week old until the day she turned 18, but she still looks, talks, and acts just like me.

I saw the same thing already happening with Owen.  Last March I heard at his sealing celebration from different people how much he looks like his adoptive family.  He actually is a blend of his first/natural parents (I know shocking right).  So many pictures he looks just like his mom at the same age.  There is definitely faces he makes that are the exact faces his dad makes and then he moves his lips and tilts his head the same way his mom does.  These are things that are inherited and you can not inherit looks from people you are not related to.

In all of these examples the adoptee is told how they look like the adoptive family.  They hear it from the beginning.  Their differences are not celebrated.  The differences are ignored.  These are NOT things I see on the web but have seen in real life, things that have been said and done in front of me.  How does this make the adoptee feel?  Shouldn’t their looks, history, ancestors be celebrated too?  Are just the adoptive families important?  What are we doing when we ignore where adoptees are coming from?  As adoptive parents shouldn’t they be the ones saying “you get your beautiful eyes from your mom, your sense of humor from your dad, the dimples from your grandma”.  Shouldn’t they be the ones making the adoptee proud of where they come from and not ashamed, embarrassed, or uncomfortable?

January 3, 2012

I’m done Being Nice

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:33 pm

20 years ago I was too nice.  I was trying to be the good girl, the compliant girl.  Trying to make up for my bad behavior (you now having premarital sex).  I went to my bishop as instructed and sat with him and was counseled by him.  Adoption was repeatedly brought up as the better than option.  I started going to him when I was 6 weeks along.  I was instructed to go to LDSFS (then known as LDS Social Services) immediately.  I went to counseling almost weekly their also.  I was told repeatedly by my mother how my child was better off with married stable parents. It took 6 months to break me, for me to look at adoption.  I wanted to agree and make everyone happy with me.  I was never given any help or support about raising my daughter.  If my own parents couldn’t see me as a good mother, who would?  I gave up, first on myself but ultimately on my daughter.  I did not fight for her, I did not run away with her.  I gave up.  After 6 months of counselling at LDSFS, my bishop’s counseling, and my parents counseling I gave up.  I couldn’t fight any longer.  I started believing that my body was just a vessel to carry this child to her real parents.  I believed my daughter didn’t need or want me.  I didn’t think that she would even look like me.  I thought she would look like her “real parents” (the adoptive parents).  I was told over and over in letters after she was placed how much she looks like them.  I think I need to do a separate post about adopted children “blending” into adoptive families.

Now I am done being nice.  I have my daughter back and I will not cower to religion or family ever again when it comes to any of my FOUR children.  I no longer attend any church because the affiliation that my church and a lot of churches have with adoption and the culture of adoption that is ingrained into it.  I will do the same to any family member.  If they can not accept my children or any of my children are not included that family member is done with.  I have already seen my daughter be hurt when she sees that the other cousins are together but she wasn’t invited.  That is not okay in my view.  When my family members try to tell me that I don’t understand adoption because I believe all adoptees should have open records.  I cannot  have a genuine relationship with anyone that truly believes my daughter and grandson do not deserve their original birth certificate.  When I have been told that adoptees do not really need their OBC, then I will get angry.  When I’m told that I do not understand adoption, I will be hurt.  I have lived adoption longer than I haven’t.  It’s not about watching someone in adoption and guessing their feelings, I have lived it.  I live it every single day.    I have already lost too much, too many years.  I am willing to give up my parents and siblings this time for my children.  My children have lost too much.  Until others have lost a child to adoption no one can tell me how I should feel or how my children should feel.  I allow my children to tell me how they feel about adoption.  I do not censor them at all.  They need to know that any feelings that they have are ok.  They can love or hate what adoption has done to each of them individually.

Recently my kids were feeling hurt, left out, there feelings trampled on by other family members.  It is hard enough to build family relationships between siblings that did not grow up together but wanted each other.  I couldn’t have them build up their relationships with each other while being torn apart by their extended family.  I had to circle the wagons and protect my children, that is what mothers do.  I’m not saying I do not see my family but I had to not go to every  family get together.  I have to do this to protect my children.  My family either will understand or they won’t. I do not know how they feel about this is their issue but my concern has to be my children first.

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