Heartslinked

September 3, 2013

New Babies and forgiveness

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 8:26 pm

I do love babies, and watching them grow up and learn new things.  I love spending time with my nieces and nephews.  What I don’t do well is the labor, delivery, and recovery rooms.  I have never gone to a hospital when friends have kids. I usually wait to see babies until they are a few months old unless they are immediate family.  Then I suck it up, put on a pretty face, and deal with the delivery rooms.

Since December I have watched my 25 year old niece become a mom.  I was one of the first people she told when she became pregnant.  I was excited for her and supported her any way possible through out her pregnancy.  I love and adore my niece.  This pregnancy was very planned with her then boyfriend (now husband).  She is financially stable.  Her husband is an amazing guy who is protective, loving and supportive of my niece and their now newborn child.

As I watched her through out this pregnancy, part of me wanted to run and hide and get away from reality.  But I couldn’t do that to her or myself.  What I did realize though was how easy she would have been to take advantage of, to coerce.  I could have used her fears and insecurities against her.  Instead everyone toned down her fears, her insecurities about being a new mom.  She had support and love.  There was a big part of me forgiving myself 21 years ago.  I still have anger for those who had children and used my fears against me.  They knew my fears were normal.  They knew how easily a protective mother could be swayed.  I didn’t know these things but others sure did.  I am talking about church leaders, my social worker (who happened to also be the sw for my daughters adoptive parents too).  I still do not understand why others would pressure a mother to give away her child.  That is something I will never understand.  I have always been a loving fit mother.  I needed support, I needed to be built up not torn down.  But in all of this I am learning forgiveness of myself.  

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May 30, 2013

Expectant Mother

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:45 pm

Is it moral or ethical to get to know a mother before she gives birth?  

Is it moral or ethical to be in the hospital when a woman is giving birth and you plan on adopting the baby?

Those were my first 2 questions on my last post.  I think we all understand that the law is not always what is about ethics and morals.  Why would it be wrong to get to know an expectant mother while she is pregnant?  Why is it wrong for a mother to make an adoption plan?  

When you get to know a mother while she is still pregnant you are making her consider your feelings.  You are building up a friendship based on you parenting and raising her child.  You are putting undo pressure on her doing a very stressful time.  This might go against your feelings, your wants, but shouldn’t you as a PAP make sure that an expectant mother has the resources to raise her own child.  Shouldn’t you be making sure that you are only getting a child that NEEDS a home.  You are only getting a child that can not be raised by their family.  

I would think that this is a basic, that you would make sure that a family can stay together.  Do you really want it the back of your mind that your child’s mother was put under undo pressure to place their child.  Would you want your child’s mother to feel that you pressured her?

Ethics and moral is not just about the mother but making sure PAPs are not hurt either.  That they do not have guilt.  Do you really want a child at any cost?  Do you want to know that your child’s mother and family were not coerced, harassed, or guilt-ed into placing the baby?

I would hope that if I was adopting I would want to know that my child’s mother was not pressured by me or an agency to place.  That I would do everything in my power to keep a family together first.  That if a mother wanted to parent that I would give her the love, power, and acceptance to parent.  I would hope that I would build her up and not be part of the group that tears her down.  

 

May 22, 2013

Ethics, Morals, and Elitism

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 5:43 pm

I have been thinking a lot and trying to put in words my feelings.  What would a moral and ethical adoption look like?  Now legal and ethical are very different coins.  You can do everything legally but it would also be unethical and immoral.  I see this all the time in adoption.  Now before anyone gets their panties in a bunch please read with an open mind and without your personal wants and needs but with a child central view. Adoption should only happen when there is no want or desire to parent a child. And only when know one in the family can take care of the child.

Is it moral or ethical to get to know a mother before she gives birth?  

Is it moral or ethical to be in the hospital when a woman is giving birth and you plan on adopting the baby?

Is it moral or ethical to NOT have the father sign away his rights?

Is it moral or ethical to  adopt a child that is American Indian descent but you do not go through the appropriate channels?

Is it moral or ethical to adopt a child that any member of the child’s family is willing to raise and you fight in court to adopt?  

Is it your responsibility to make sure your agency or facilitator is moral and ethical?  

Is it your responsibility to make sure the child’s mother has the keys to parent?

Is it your responsibility to read about adoption by adult adoptees?

Is it your responsibility to read about adoption by mothers of loss to adoption?  

I know what I am asking is hard and it goes against your wants, your needs, your elitism.  If you are going to parent someone else’s child I would hope you would want the adoption to be as moral and ethic as possible, not just legal.   You will have to explain to your child what you know about his/her adoption and when you knew the facts.  If you fought custody against a grandparent or parent you have to explain that to your adopted child.   You will have to explain why your child was not raised within their own family.  If you close the adoption which is legal you are the one that has to explain this to the child.

I am going to go in more dept through out the next few weeks about each of these things.  Are you strong enough and have an opened mind to read this without your wants getting in the way?

 

 

May 13, 2013

Mothers Day 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 4:34 pm

Before Mothers Day, I put no expectations on myself. I like to live as the moments come. I celebrated Mothers Day with my kids that love and acknowledge me as their mom.  Both my mom and mother-in-law were out of town.  I couldn’t celebrate with them.  We didn’t get together with my sisters this year either for Mother’s day.  It was very different and almost foreign.  I made it through another Mother’s day.  I do love to spend time with my kids and enjoy their company, laughter, and insight to life.  Overall it was a good day as long as I kept part of my heart closed.  I did, I am getting better at protecting myself.  I even got mother day text from my alternative universe kid (those kids that you love like your own even though you did not raise them).

Today as I was scrolling through my news feed on Facebook I saw the following.

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you.

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you.

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you.

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you.

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you.

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you.

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you.

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you.

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience.

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst.

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day.

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be.

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths.

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you.

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you.

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart.

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.” -Amy Young http://messymiddle.wordpress.com/

What about to those mothers that lost a child to adoption, it should say we mourn your loss, we mourn your child’s loss of their mother?  It is not about selfless acts of adoption.  And a failed adoption what about the mother that found that strength to raise her own child?  This poem while acknowledging the loss of adopters with infertility and failed adoptions just seems like such a slap in the face to us mothers that lost a child to adoption.  It is not a selfless act to be preyed upon by others.  It is not selfless to have our children bought and paid for, sold to the highest bidder.    

May 9, 2013

Graduation Time

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 1:35 am

It is my oldest son’s graduation from high school in June.  He is my second child but the first one I raised.  I went to my oldest daughters graduation in 2010, 3 years ago.  It is so different this time around.  To make decisions and be welcomed and honored as a mother of a graduate is so different this time around.

In 2010 my older sister and I flew to Utah to see my daughter graduate.  There were very strict rules.  I was allowed at the graduation but not wanted there or invited by the adoptive parents.  My daughter wanted me there.  My grandson’s PAPs were invited and included as family(my daughter was pregnant at the time).  But me, my daughter’s mother was not included.  The woman that they proclaimed to love and honor for the selfless act of placing my baby with their family.  I was excluded.  This is adoption in my life.  

I was told through my daughter that her parents would be sitting in a certain area and we were not to sit on a large section because they did not want to see me.  Her graduation from high school was held at BYU.  Me a woman that stand’s 5’4″ and weighed 120 pounds soaking wet, I was too much for them to handle.

After the graduation my daughter was to see her parents and we were warned  to stay away.  That we were not welcomed.  It was made clear that if we saw them to not acknowledge who we were.  I guess some people really can not get over their infertility.  It was as if they saw me there fairy tail would be unwound.  The reality that our daughter has a mother that is biologically related would be too much for them.  

My feelings were hurt but what was I to do.  I stuck my tail between my legs while I obeyed and honored their rules.   After all I really was no one and I should be happy that I was even allowed at the graduation.  You know because most birth mom’s don’t get anything. Be quiet, shut up, and sit in your corner please.  I got the message loud and clear.  I had no control and the one to be hurt and pulled between the “adults” would be my child, my first born.   I did as I was told.

This time though it is different,  I get to make the decisions.  All of my family is welcomed.  I get the honor of being a high school graduate’s mom.  All of my kids that want to be at the graduation  can be there.  This is so much better.

March 6, 2013

Who wants to grow up and be a birthmom?

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 7:33 pm

I have heard many times young adults/teenagers say when I grow up I want to adopt.  Have you ever heard someone say when I grow up or get older I want to place my child for adoption?  I can’t wait to become a birthmom?  Really think about this question.  Take a cup of coffee and think of this.  Mull it over in your mind.  I don’t care where you stand in adoption if you adopted, placed, if you are an adoptee, or know someone that is adopted.  Please think about this question carefully.

Let’s be honest for one minute with ourselves, our hearts, our souls.  Placing a child for adoption is a failure.  We have failed ourselves.  We have failed our child.  We have failed society.  But on a different prospective we have been failed.  Our parents, siblings, family loved ones have failed us.  Our teachers friends, and society have failed us too.  Anytime that a child has to be separated from their family their is a crack in society, in the family, in our souls.

Have you truly met anyone in real life who placed a child for adoption that had a full loving childhood?  Have you met someone who placed a child that had support of all of their loved ones?  Have you met someone who placed a child for adoption that really had support to parent.  Full support from their village?

I know I have never met a mother in my life in real life or on line that had full loving support to parent that decided to place.  When I say society I include agencies for adoption.  They are part of our society too. 

What are the obstacles to parent and what can each of us individually do to help others parent their children?  How can we keep families together?  What can we do to make this place we live better for ALL children, ALL mothers, ALL fathers?

I don’t care if we are talking about foster care, newborn adoption, international adoption somewhere along a woman’s life we have failed her if she feels like an option is adoption.  Even foster care where have we failed a mother in her life that she has to have her child taken away? 

I do not have the answers but we have to start with questions and examine ourselves.

 

Scabs that don’t heal

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:17 am

ImageI have been so sensitive this week.  I have been crying easily, this is not like me at all.  Last Wednesday it felt like a scab was pulled off too early.  You know that feeling when you have a scab you have to pick and after you start picking it, it starts to bleed.  It takes a few days to build a new scab.  In the mean time your skin is sensitive and  easily hurts with the slightest bump.  This has been how I feel lately.  I have gone back and forth from crying easily to anger.  

I am angry about a lot of things.  I’m angry about how naive I was 21 years ago.  I am angry about the way I have been treated.  I am angry at my IRL friends still see adoption as a blessing.  They see my pain and write it off as it is just me, as if other mothers do not feel this.  

The truth is if they could talk to mothers decades down the road, after reunion, they would see that a lot of us share this pain in varying degrees.  But I guess to admit this would admit that there are issues with adoption.  To admit that mothers are given life time free counseling by some agencies would admit failure in the system.  If we admitted that anyone that would need life time counseling free there must be something wrong with an institution. If I was to tell you to do a selfless loving thing you would need a lifetime of counseling, I think most people would walk away.  But something in our society sees adoption/lifetime of counseling as loving. Adoption/lifetime counseling is selfless, is brave.  Is it really?  Is giving up on yourself and seeing yourself as a vessel to get your child to their rightful parents loving, brave, selfless?  Or is it just a sign of no self esteem?

When will we ever stop with the crap of you had a bad experience?  You should have waited until you were married?  You should not have sex until you were ready to parent.  Hmm so I know married couples  that have sex weeks after having a baby.  They are not ready physically or financially to have another child. Yet we don’t condemn them because they are married.  This is where I have issues.  Lets admit as humans we enjoy sex.  That is the whole crazy truth.  We enjoy sex period.  Everytime we have sex we are not ready to bring a baby into this world. 

I want someone to look at the picture with this post and explain to me how losing 2 generations is a blessing?  This is the truth of what adoption really looks like.  This pain on my face acknowledges what no words can say.  This is what the loss of adoption looks like. Please explain to my heart that it is acceptable to think I am less than, that I deserve this loss.  Please explain to the next generations that they do not deserve their histories, their genealogy  their families, their blood, their tribe.

February 28, 2013

Made it through 21 birthdays so far…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 7:03 pm

I made it through yesterday.  I was restless, hurt, sad angry, pissed off, crying.  Every emotion went through me.  I did not let my kids see me upset.  I don’t think it does any good to see how broken their mama truly is.  I had friends come out of the woodwork to love and support me.  I did not put on facebook how sad I was I just put up that it was my oldest child’s 21st birthday. 

One of my friends sent me a private message.  It was from a girl I used to babysit and she is about 5 years younger than me.  I loved her family especially her dad.  Her family was a big influence on me growing up.  Her dad used to sometimes do chaperoning of church dances.  While all other adults stood in the back or talked to each other he did not.  He was out there dancing with us and trying to figure out the new ways to dance.  His favorite thing was dancing.  In fact when I babysat his kids, his wife went on dates to dance.  He had such a zest for life.  Well his daughter asked me if I had given up my 21 year old for adoption.  She had remembered me sitting at her kitchen table and talking to her dad about it when I was pregnant.  I confirmed that I had lost my child to adoption she then asked if it was because of the LDS church.  I wasn’t sure how to respond.  I stil have lots of friends that are members and I did not know where she stood with the church.  I just said from my point of view I was pressured to lose my child. I was convinced I was doing the loving, selfless thing by my bishop, parents, and counselor.  I was convinced that if I loved God I would do this and give my child to her rightful parents.  I was just a vessel to carry her into this world.  I just can’t cover up my feelings anymore.  I feel like so much of adoption is lies and I had lived years of lies I’m not willing to do this any longer to spare others feelings.  I have to be true to myself.

My friend responded that she knew several girls that were pressured (in her opinion) by their parents to place their children for adoption.  It was about looking good to other members.  If their grandchildren were placed all was forgiven.  Obviously their children were now brave and helped build a family instead of sinning whores.

I honestly thought this was just me and other mothers who lost their children felt this way.  I never would have thought that members would see this for what it is.  That I would have support from people that grew up LDS but adoption did not touch their lives. 

February 27, 2013

Birthdays

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:48 pm

What does a mother do on the day her child she lost to adoption has a birthday?  Well if you are me you continue on your day as if it is an other day.  I try to do that at least.  But then as I sit in my office at work as tears come to my eyes and I cry at my desk.  My papers are all covered in tears.  I try to be so strong but I’m not.  I fail every February 27th.  I miss my daughter, I miss the years we should have had.  I feel guilty that my children were not raised togeher.  I hate it that my three raised kids always have each other but my oldest does not.  She will never have the bond that they have.  I know it is my fault. 

I often wonder about adoptive parents.  Do they ever understand what it is like to be me, a mother who placed her first born for adoption?  Can they put themselves in my shoes?  What would they feel if they could sit beside me on her birthday.  Would they even be able to look away.  Would they feel empathy?  Would they get a glimpse of the loss that I have lived?  I understand infertility and wanting a child is hard. I understand that.  I have empathy for that.  But will they ever understand that I don’t want just any child.  I have never wanted to raise someone else’s child.  I have only wanted my own child.  No other child will ever take that place.  I can’t un-live my life, I can’t become un-pregnent, I can’t un-give birth.  My child is alive, she breathes, laughs cries, the child that I will never truly be a part of.  This is what I have to live and endure every single day but her birthday makes it worse and intensifies the loss and pain.

I tried to escape this year.  I went to Disneyland days before her birthday but even the joy of that is covered by the loss and pain I feel today.  I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to hurt but I do still feel this pain.  I was promised the pain would be less, it would go away over the years.  Two decades later the pain, loss, tears, and hurt are still here. I guess that was just another lie that goes along with this hell.

January 31, 2013

What I didn’t understand

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jeannette4175 @ 6:12 pm

Ther was so much I didn’t know and I did not understand almost 21 year ago.  One of the big things I did not understand was I was tearing apart a family, my family when I made an adoption plan.  I was building up another family but MY family had to be torn apart and broken to build up another one.  I did not understand the life long grief that goes into adoption. I did not understand how adoption will adversely affect all of my children.  I did not understand how adoption would affect every single person around me. 

I never expected to have this conversation with my daughter that is now 14.  While my kids were on winter vacation I become mama taxi.  It was a cool day as I was driving Cassie to the mall.  We had the heater on high because both of us get so cold even in our California winter that hit a low of 40 degrees overnight.  Well Cassie and I were discussing my friend K that I helped the week before.  Cassie looked at me and said  “Mom I’m so proud of you.”  As I looked at my little one she said “I wish you didn’t place my sister for adoption,  I wish we grew up together,  I wish we had a real sister relationship.”  I just looked at her and said “I’m so sorry and I wished the same thing”.  I continued to drive as I held back the tears, I couldn’t say anything else or the dam would break and flood gates would open.  I dropped my daughter off where she was going and continued my drive alone as I let the tears fall.  There was nothing else to be said.  I can’t change the past.  I can’t heal my children’s wounds.  I have to acknowledge the pain I have caused all of them.  I have to let them feel whatever they need to.  None of them chose adoption, it was thrown at all of them from birth.  I don’t know how their hearts and souls will heal from their mama’s mistake.

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